Magnificent Bastard

Follow Me Into Madness

2011-06-10T21:59:00.005+03:00

It wasn't an easy choice to make when I decided to leave Veto Corp. Not by far. In fact it was among the hardest I have ever made.

However it was something that was needed.

'Why?' I'm sure is a question that might come to my mind if I ever end up like Hikari. Her choice to reset her mind to what it was all those years ago is a constant reminder why I should keep this journal up to date more often. I've been neglecting it too much lately.

I guess it's also good to say out loud it all, it's been on my mind quite a bit past few months.

As I said it was needed.

I didn't agree on many things that came with the allegiance to the Guristas. The fact that I couldn't act on many things like taking out the Nation where needed. Confined to observe, nothing more. It was a corporate edict, one I did not agree on any stage, despite knowing some of the reasons behind those edicts.

One of those reasons was Akora, and Ethan's faint hope to reconnect with his sister. Find her from the hordes of True Slaves by means of diplomacy. Futile attempt in my opinion, but his hands were bound by his loyalty as well, so I guess diplomacy was the only way for him.

Once a person is taken by the Nation, I've come to find that no matter your wealth and fame, if they become one of the masses it will be hard to find them again. There is a good chance that she is already and floating in space, dead among the debris of the new incursion force nation vessels. After all they were manned by the recent abductees.

Eventually when the Nation assaulted Goinard we were given the 'go' assault them and purge the constellation. I can't help but feel it was nothing but self-defence and a token gesture. Or maybe he realized that diplomacy didn't work. In the end, on that matter, it was too little too late.

I do not blame him, nor can I fault him. He is a man trying to save his sister and he needs to do it the way he sees best. I can for a certainty understand the need to re-unite and save ones sister. I know I for lost mine once, I was lucky enough to get her back. I would be lost without her.

So I realized I couldn't hold up to those edicts, and I did not wish to ever jeopardize or sabotage his efforts. I guess it then dawned on me that I needed to make a choice, but that decision did not come easy or over night.

The Nation and our edicts about interactions with the events was but one of many reasons.

There was also constant reminders that in the end I wasn't building something for myself, but building to someone else's legacy, representing someone else, upholding the name and fame of someone else. Every action I took reflected upon someone else or something else. The final straw on that came with that KorAzor lady. She was quick to drop names lest I tone down my casual flirt with some random khanid tart at the keep. Main or some such was her name, anyhow, I digress. She quickly proclaimed that she'd tattle to Ethan and I should tone done myself or I'd be reprimanded as I was somehow representing Veto and Ethan when I was at the establishment. I wasn't there representing anything or anyone. I was there as myself representing myself. I wanted to slap the smug bitch on her ass verbally but I decided to keep it civil, after all it was not my domain where I stood at the time.

But that made me realize, I was jsut an extension of someone else. Call it ambition if you will, but I wanted more. I guess in some sort of rebel yell in side me I wanted more. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be the Crimson Idol of a million eyes.

And so slowly I started to feel caged, like an animal. I've always been a creature of passion and instinct, never one for corporate logic and reason. So the yearning to break free and set on my own was fed once again. The fire was there but KorAzor just threw a bottle of lighter fluid in it.

I didn't resent Ethan over that. I guess someone could interpret it as such, but it's not like that. He's been a good friend and a good mentor. I guess a little too good since I wanted to step in his shoes. Be his equal, not his underling. Most of what I know about running a corporation I learnt from him.

But there was someone I do resent. Morwen Lagann. I couldn't help it. Much of it came out of unfortunate events and accidents. I'd tried forgiving her. I just couldn't. Sharing the same air made my skin crawl. Still does. Sharing the same colours, the same allegiances and I know she resents me to an equal degree. I wasn't able to trust my back on her in combat, I tired but i kept keeping a camera drone on her at all times. Our conflict was grating the corporation as well. Another drop of fuel in the fire.

In addition a handful of other smaller issues had kept adding to the fire. What had started as a spark had lit the lighter, the lighter dropped and turned to a campfire. The campfire fire now flaring as a bonfire. I saw it was best for me to make the decision and take action. To protect the community, the corporation, my friends and myself. And as such I sit here writing this entry. I made the choice. I decided to part ways with Veto Corporation.

I discussed with Hikari what had been on my mind over a long period and I told her what were my intentions. She offered her support and love for me with the intention of staying in Veto Corp and the Guristas.

My decision was not an easy one. Nor was what I did next.

I made the decision of break free of the Guristas. Despite my Omerta. I needed the backing of faction that didn't pussyfoot about and one that did not share the bed allegiance with the Nation and yet had the connections, the resources and the influence for what I planned.

So I started searching. I looked to the Empires but as the incursions raged on. I realized. What can they do? All of them are already fighting two front wars. They were spread thin, still are to date.

After a while of searching I was contacted by the SOE. But the sisters never are what they seem, and even they have an understanding with the Nation. I needed something that did not hesitate to shoot at the slave hordes, had the resources and was not engaged in a full scale war with two other sovereign empires.

If fates have a sense of humor it's most certainly a sardonic one. I found myself staring into a familiar abyss again. And heavens help me, the abyss stared me right back at me. The Abyss I was standing on the edge of?

The Angel Cartel.

They had heard of the Sisters offer, and they suspected why I was approached by the Sisters. They were right and they offered me a deal. Past transgression and history forgiven and forgotten. They didn't care about the Omerta nor did they want me to act against it. They made me an offer. One I found to be most agreeable and one I couldn't say no to. I would have their resources at my disposal if I would agree to take care of small problems tiem to time for the Dominations, problems that would be frowned upon other Cartel employees if they were to come into light and ones the loyalist organization were unwilling or even made edicts against.

That was the deal and I took it.

I do not consider myself a loyalist. I think affiliate is more suitable. It's a relationship of mutual abuse and an alliance of convenience. Most beneficial to both parties so far.

Still, there is this feeling in the back of my head that this deal was a faustian one. Time will tell. For now, end justifies the means, not something I agree upon whole hearted these days but necessity dictates the terms.

Then it was time to tell Hikari what was the deal. She had intended to remain with Veto as I mentioned but something had changed. She never liked Angels but I guess she felt the need to watch over me. She really does care for me deep inside. She wanted to come along, to help me in my endeavour. I guess she couldn't let her little brother all alone into the cold. It made me feel more confident and ...Safe. To have her by my side in all this.

That was the culmination of my decision. The realization of intent. The next day Damnation Angels was born. It was time to fly free and die hard on my terms.

Hikari was the first to join me, my co-founder.

Next, I will extend the invitation to anyone else crazy enough to Follow Me Into Madness.

Somewhere In the Darkness

2011-01-05T00:07:00.020+02:00

Vincent stood at the Veto Corp infirmary, lost in thought as he looked at the AIMEDs perform re-constructive surgery on a clone of his. He felt slightly weirded out, looking at the empty brutalized carcass of him. For mere moments ago he could feel the pain receptors firing over and over again from the broken teeth, fractured ribs and various other injuries. Now as he sat looking at the operation through the eyes of a healthy clone they were just fading memory, though brought far more vivid into his mind as he stared at the damaged body.

Sighing heavy he sat down on one of the armchairs in the luxurious recovery room. The room was sterile, but oddly pleasant as it was designed to give a peaceful environment for one to readjust themselves after the transferring consciousness from one clone to another.

He clenched his left hand into a fist. It felt weird, he was used to the feeling of fractured finger that had not quite reset itself, the odd silent snap it used to make when he clenched his fist was gone. It made him uneasy. Like he was wearing the flesh of another, like the blood in his veins was the blood of another.

In reality it was. Just a mess of biomass from recycled corpses. Slapped on an artificial skeleton, molded to the specifications found on his file. Sometimes it made him think if his mind was any longer his own or some backed up digital neural imprint that maybe once was him. What if they had fucked the process, lost a portion of his mind to the datastream. It was not a rare sentiment when he thought they had.

He certainly hadn't been himself for a while.

Even before the loss of his child the disappearance of his fiancée. Doubt had snaked it's way to his mind, hesitation had eroded his will to pull the trigger after he had found his targets. Past crimes had come to haunt him during the darkest hours of the night. Steadily now remorse had plagued him for the past months. It was not just once or twice had Hikari had to calm him down after he had woken up from his nightmare during his stay on Luminaire.

It was not good for a pirate and his business to grow a conscience. Much as he wanted to deny it, he had. He realized it when Admiral Newelle had wailed on him. From the blow of the book to the back of his head to the heel of her foot landing in his groin. He hadn't fought back, he had just been there on his knees as she had taken her anger out on him. He just taunted her, not with insults but with things he would do - thing he had done. He wanted to be punished, to be stricken down. And like a favour from God, Mitara tore into him and maimed his flesh like the angel of retribution.

They had emergency clone jumped him, to save him and so that they could operate to save the clone and the hundreds of millions of hardwiring embedded in it's skull without the fear of psychological trauma, and for better or for worse, the loss of his most recent sense of self. Much as this was a standard procedure, he felt cheated out of his punishment as he sat in the recovery room in a fresh clone, wearing comfortable and soft hospital robes.

A soft notification sound from his NEOCOM startled him from his brooding. He pulled out the pad from the pocket of his robes. It was a thank you message from Saikyou Eblis-Kad for a contract that had helped her out. He paused for a moment, then re-read the last line of the message out loud to himself.

"And Rho Dynamic's door is always open."

Seconds after he finished reading the last part to himself the buzzer for the recovery room door rang. He pocketed his NEOCOM as a fairly attractive young attractive Achur woman walked in, dressed in the infirmary nurses uniform.

"Mr. Pryce."

"Yes?"

"You have a visitor."

"I do?"

"Yes. A woman called Chararie Madane. She claims to have an appointment scheduled with you."

Vincent pondered for a moment, she had heard this name before, but didn't recognize it. He had not scheduled any meetings with anyone. Before he could reply the achur she continued.

"She's with the Servant Sisters of EVE."

He was about to say something in protest but something in the last bit she said made him fall quiet.

"Sir?"

Vincent snapped from his thoughts back to reality as the achur womans soft and but sharp voice sounded in the room.

"Uh.. Yes.. Please, show her in."

The achur nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her. Vincent was left sitting in the quiet with his thoughts. He wasn't sure why a member of the Sisters would want to talk with a Guristas capsuleer, but he was eager to hear what ever she had to say.

Maybe there is light somewhere in the darkness.

Weakness

2010-08-26T14:10:00.001+03:00

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

They are right.

I had hoped to lay to rest the issue with Repentence. I had to live with the choice we both made. I told Literia, of what I did and why I did it what I did. I planned to keep it all a secret. I couldn't not of all the beautiful things she said to me, not after I had fallen in love with her. I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want to build a relationship the kind of relationship we both yearned of each other on secrets and lies. So I told her, she deserved to know. Despite my best intentions, what I did was wrong towards her.

I regret what I did, but I live with the guilt and I don't blame anyone else but me for not having the courage to die when it mattered.

It always takes two to tango. I offered her the sweet seduction, but she was the one to take it. I should have just let her end me then and there, but like I said, I carried the guilt. Turns out she couldn't handle her choices.... And her lover could not accept the fact that she chose what she chose. Instead dealing with it they blamed me, and to take revenge on me they went for Literia.

And now my child is dead.

At the time... I didn't know Literia was with child. Repentence had asked to meet her, I had a bad feeling about it all, but she wanted to go. They tried to pin the blame on me, relentlessly. Apparently according to them Repentence had done nothing wrong. I beg to differ... I didn't force her to fuck me. She made the choice even if it was a choice I offered. Still, they blamed it all on me, after all it's easier to try place blame on someone else than to face the music, admit your own mistakes and faults and accept responsibility for your actions, and which one of us wants to believe the worst of their loved ones? It's easier to live a lie and pretend than to see the truth and admit to yourself that your loved one betrayed you, for mere lust.

They pressed on, they did not even back down when Literia told them she was with child. They made her watch the whole passion play. They pressed on in their ignorant blindness... They didn't relent, they took no pity on her. To hurt me, they hurt her... As a result Literia miscarried, and now...

Our child is dead.

Accidents can happen, but... I find it hard to believe it was one. After seeing the cold hate in Morwen's eyes in Ethan's office. There was no remorse. There was no regret. Just Hate. Nothing but cold hate.

They wanted to get to me. They wanted to hurt me. Congratulations to them, they succeeded.

There is no greater loss than to lose your child, and it never stops hurting.

Every moment of everyday hurts, I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep... The nightmares come when I close my eyes. Future that never will be... The loss. The pain. It just hurts... And it never stops, but I try to be there for Literia, I try to be strong for her. Despite everything... She still wants me there by her side. I can not begin to understand why, but I am grateful she wants to be with me even though I do not deserve her.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't pray that I could change it all, so that I'd had the courage to die. My child might still alive if it were not for my weakness.

It just hurts so much. So very much.

I can't stop crying. It won't stop hurting.

I doubt it never will.

Even if it was not intended, even if it was an accident...

I can never forgive them. How can I? Because of what they did my child is dead.

Everything lies in ruins.

Because of my weakness...

Redemption

2010-07-07T16:53:00.017+03:00

The other day I paused and looked myself in the mirror.

I didn't like what I saw.

I didn't like what I had become.

When stared at the mirror, I was staring into the eyes of a stranger. I did not recognize the man in the mirror. The void had become so wide and deep that I had lost my senses, my self-respect and my dignity in there. This is not who I wanted to be.

I smashed the mirror into thousand pieces to escape the disgusting truth what I had let myself turn into. I had escaped the pain into over indulgence, I had kept feeding the void for far too long.

Accepting the problem, they say, is always the first step to recovery. I had become and addict for affection. Last time, I did drugs, this is no better. The same monkey on my back, just wearing a different kind of hat.

What can I say, I am easily overtaken by addiction. It starts as something to escape the reality and before I know I drown in it. Last time I nearly died, this time someone dear got hurt. When will you fucking learn Vince? Too much of a good thing is bad for you, more so, to those around you.

I was desperate, alone, weak. I fell on my knees in my hangar and I did something I had never done.

I prayed.

My voice echoed in the empty hall, my words fell on deaf ears and dead metal.

If there is a god or a pantheon. They weren't listening.

I felt like an idiot. There I was, on my knees in an empty hangar whispering desperate words. No God and no Devil to hear my plea. Maybe I was too far fallen to reach heaven, too reckless and wild to fit in Hell... I don't know. I felt the cold metal of the hangar floor mocking me.

No, in the end it was not God nor the Devil who heard my desperate plea for help. It was a cheerful ditzy little nun. Louella Dougans. She came to me, heard me and held me. She told me it would be well again. I had heard people say that to me for a few times over, but for some reason, this time, I believed it.

We knelt down together and prayed a beautiful prayer.

I don't know if it was God, Devil or just her, but I felt at peace in that prayer, clarity, as if everything had set in place. In that small moment with her, in the midst of that prayer, I found focus.

I have to concentrate on what is important, on what is worth fighting for and I need to atone for some past sins so I can move on with my life and devote it to what really matters.

Speaking of past sins and ghosts long gone. One of them came back to haunt me recently.

One of them came screaming for vengeance.

Seems that somebody told this one of our disagreement a few years ago. I was unduly harsh on her a while back. This is where it gets a little more convoluted than most stories, the person that experienced my harshness killed herself after her family captured her and took her for... Re-education of sorts. The soft clone that was activated after however had no recollection of the events, which in the end I guess was better for everyone - until now.

She accused me of many things, some I deserved and some were the fabrications of a delusional mind. She was unstable at best, she kept speaking of herself in the third person from time to time. I don't know what's happened to her but she was fucked up. All I could do was to give her some solace in burying past demons.

I asked her why had she really come to me, was it really revenge she was after or something else? I made question what it was she really wanted and offered myself to her to take her vengeance so that we could set our past ghosts behind us. What ever she'd answer, it would burn me one way or another, but who am I to deny her of peace when I was the one to cause her distress?

She made her choice.

And now we both have to live with it.

Hopefully her choice brought her the peace she wanted and that we never have to delve on the matter ever again. I just wish to move on.

I wonder what else I need to do to lay to rest past demons...

I guess the path to Redemption is never an easy one.

Longing

2010-07-06T23:34:00.006+03:00

I've never been good dealing with loss or rapid change. I may be fickle like fire but I still long for stability. Even the fiercest flame dies out without something steady to keep it burning.

Here I am, losing two important people in a rapid pace after so many changes.

It has left me hollow. I am spiraling out of control and I can't stop this downward spiral.

The loss of Kelsy. She chose drugs and parties over me. Fair enough, I drifted into Nicole's arms. I still feel empty.

Now the loss of a loved sister. Hikari... The emptiness inside is eating me away.

The void I have inside my heart. I try to fill it, and I have filled it with anyone willing. I have not cared who they have been, where they have come from. Just that they love me and want me more than anything for the moment.

I don't want to be alone.

I am loved, but I feel alone.

I love, but I hesitate to give in with open arms.

Love is chaos, it throws everything in disarray, it can mend the worst wounds and it can tear open a rift deep enough to swallow nations.

I am addicted to chaos.

Yeah... I maybe Love's bitch, but at least I am man enough to admit it.

What I am doing is wrong. I've already seen the ripples of my actions. Someone very dear already got hurt because she wanted to be with me. Her colleague beat her down to the ground, because she wanted to enjoy her time with me.

I can't stop myself.

I want more.

I am yearning to be loved, to be touched, to be wanted. I don't care by whom. Just that I am. Even just for the moment.

Everyone who has given me what I need has also gotten something in return, what ever they might have needed. Someone to listen to them, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it's alright, someone to encourage them, someone to say beautiful things and mean them, someone to love them - even if for a brief moment in time, even if in secrecy.

For them I've been, and to some I still am, that someone. They all smile in the end and have something that helps them carry on. That has been a convenient excuse for me to keep feeding the void.

I said to one that I once was a monster. That I am trying to be something better. I lied. I'm still a monster, just different kind. I am like a vampire, feeding off them. Trying satisfy a hunger that just won't go away. And every night there is a new victim and the Count's brides keep piling up.

I said to a friend, that I would not want to risk that complicated and much treasured friendship over a brief moment of love. It told her that because it's what she needed to hear. Because, it's what she wanted to hear. In the end, I know, if she'd ever press her lips onto mine, I could not stop myself from giving into that kiss.

Xav talked with me. He told me he was worried about me, the way I have been burning the candle at both ends, he's worried that I burn myself out. He is worried that in the end I would get hurt and that others would get hurt with me. His fears are not for naught. Someone already has and I'm most likely next in line.

I need to stop this.

I must stop this.

I just can't seem to stop myself.

I keep yearning.

I keep wanting.

I keep...

...Longing.

Serenity Painted Death

2010-06-26T04:27:00.007+03:00

I was hoping to do a cheerful entry, tell how everything has turned out for the best. In some ways they have. Many ways they have not.

Hikari Sairer-Sato, aka DeadRow. My corpmate. My friend. My sister.

We've known of each others existence less than two years. We discovered this by a twist of fate. She had been unwell back then. I ran blood tests to discover what was ailing her. My database did the routine cross check for people with similar genomes, cross referencing for matches. Two immediate me matches were found. Myself and my father Sebastien Pryce.

Later we traced her queasiness back to the implants the Nation had injected in unbeknown to her. Making her a True Slave for a brief period. I myself and her wife Lyrelle Sairer-Sato fought our way to her and unplugged her.

Eventually, things settled down. We acknowledged each others as siblings. We never grew close, but we befriended each other. She started getting depressed, had I been there for her then... Perhaps I could've helped her. Maybe this could've all been avoided. I do not know.

For a time, things looked like she was going to get well, but old demons die hard.

Sansha Kuvakei re-emerged from where ever he had been for the time. That woke up some sleeping giants and brought buried demons to the surface. Hikari was not only implanted, but indoctrinated on a fundamental level to the teachings of Sansha's Nation. The programming had to rear it's head... Calling her again to the Dream. She pledged her loyalty to Sansha.

I was furious. I was angry. How could she? After all the pain and suffering her last bout of loyalty had put us through, especially Lyrelle. I nearly cut my ties to her... It was a mistake, one that I this day regret. Too late I realized that for her the Dream had become a Nightmare. I reached out to her. I tried to make amends. We talked, we grew close and we finally told each other how we felt. We grew closer than we ever imagined possible. In a span of one night I truly understood what it is like to love someone and tonight I found out what is to lose someone like that.

If I had been there for her instead of ostracizing her. Would she be here still with me? Would I still have a sister whom I love and who'd love me back? The pain had grown too strong for her. Everything that had happened to her. So she made the decision of ending her life as it is in a way.

The woman who was my beloved sister, Hikari Sairer-Sato, died tonight.

She wanted to give herself a new life with the knowledge and forethought she had accumulated. She had gathered a file worth of six years of people who she knew, what she could do, what had happened. So she would have the knowledge of things that had happened but with a fresh set of eyes. A new life through a soft scan clone of herself, dating back six years.

Tonight she activated that clone. Tonight Hikari Sairer-Sato ended her life. Tomorrow Hikari Sato will wake up to a shock.

When she next opens her eyes and reads the files. She will know who I am, but she won't feel the way she did. I do not have that luxury, but I will be there for her to help her to a new start. I will never abandon her again. I won't repeat the mistakes I made. I will protect her. I will help her get back on track... Where ever that track may lead her.

I love my sister.

I love you, Hikari Sairer-Sato.

May your life be one worth living this time around.

End of an Era

2010-06-12T01:16:00.002+03:00

A swarm of panicked personnel start to evacuate the farthest corner of the Hangar 016 as a capacitor overload warning starts to ring from a golden Arazu hull. Several hover platforms retract and personnel are flown away from the ship with several shuttles.

Vincent stands by his holointerface in the Arazu he glances the empty cargohold that used to be home to him and his then love of his life. Where the glass bed once laid rolls a smattering of antimatter rounds as the hull shakes. The drapes shred and torn down from the walls and the purple plush rug tarnished by dirty boots.

He looks at the evacuating personnel one the holofeed from one of the ships many camera drones. and covers his face with one hand as southern walls power coil explodes and sets fire to what drapes still hang from the walls. He sits down on the chair and opens a bottle of red wine, Villore Perrier No429 24YC, and drinks from straight from the bottle.

He slowly gets up as the kitchen section erupts in flames. He drinks the win from the bottle and pours some on the control interface and most of the feeds short circuits and strike sparks. He walks slowly towards the elevator leading out of the ship.

Letting out a long sigh he looks at the ship that was once his and Kelsy's home. He looks at the bottle in his hand and throws it in a frustrated rage against the main console. The bottle shatters over the controls with loud crack and the sparks set the liquid on fire.

Vincent hits the elevator activation as the tears roll from his eyes. He wipes the tears from his eyes with a battered MXD shirt. With a heavy heart he throws the shirt in to the habitat area before the doors close and he begins his final descent from the Arazu.

Final bits of feed from the console show a message 'Anomaly Detected'. The camera zooms in on the ships capacitor core. Disrupting the main junctions is a small engagement ring with an exquisitely cut purple diamond on it.

The feed cuts as the main power core overloads and ruptures sending bits and pieces of the Arazu class recon ship around the closed hangar.

Vincent looks at the dying golden beast and whispers silently.

End of an era.

Change of Seasons

2010-05-23T21:02:00.005+03:00

It's been a long while since I was last able to sit down and write one of these.

I'm glad I started to do these logs. It's apparent that I left a lot of my memories back at the Nine. So many of the little things. Much of these things I was better of not knowing some of these things... I've been quite the bastard. Then again some of these, I am glad I wrote them down.

I am not the same guy that went missing in the Nine. Much is still the same but I notice somethings are not. A lot has changed. In some instances too much, and some things have been solidified further.

It hasn't been an easy return. I've grasped straws at times just to make it through the day. But, I'm getting back on track. It's Been overwhelming with all the changes at times, Sansha keep crawling from every nook and cranny. I've feared for something like this for the longest time... I guess my loyalty to the Guristas is now truly put to the test. In the end, my loyalties lie with Veto Corp and Xav first and to the Guristas second.

Kelsy and I.... Things have been different between us ever since I returned from the Nine. I love her, and I care for her deeply but... I dunno... I dunno If it's the drugs she's started doing again or her all in all behaviour or me, I really don't know, but I fail to connect with her like I did. Something's changed. Something is different. Out of focus. Estranged.

One of my long time friends has been made to suffer for being guilty by association. The Provists started hounding her because of me, they are watching her movements, he's on listed as suspicious person, her citizenship is all but revoked. I should have cut all contact to her to keep her safe, especially after I became a gurista. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, but she would've been spared of so much misery if I'd just let her go and vanished from her life.

I am ashamed and selfish when I say I am glad I never did, I enjoy her company too much. It's never been anything romantic, I've just enjoyed being around her. I mean, yeah I am attracted to her probably more than I can admit to myself but, I guess, I don't think that she could like a pirate like me in that anyway. I guess, part of me never wanted to even risk coming forth with that. I'd rather have her friendship than have her estranged by an advance I could not hope to have reciprocated. She's always been a beacon of light in the dark of space for me. Something that I've been able to hang on to when my humanity's been slipping from my grasp. I am afraid, the price she's had to pay for it has been too steep. Being driven out of the home she loves and cares about. Just because she wanted to be friends with me.

She turned to us for help. The irony of it all. The State drove her to the Guristas by hounding her for no reason. This all must tear her apart inside, being forced into exile by the very entity she cared so deeply for. She wasn't never an extremist but she's Caldari at heart, through and through. Having to go become a Gurista... I'm so sorry Nicole.

Xav heard her plea, and she's been welcomed to the Family. As she is new to our line of work, and I am a long time friend of hers so Xav assigned me as her mentor to show her the ropes and to teach her to fend for herself. Well, to be honest, not so much assigned as I volunteered. I would've probably hanged from Xav's spiky red hair until she'd been assigned to me if he'd thought otherwise at first.

Amongst all this chaos, I find her presence soothing. Things seem to make sense at times when I am with her. I've found myself spending more and more time with her outside so called office hours. I dunno life just seems alright when I'm with her. It's like when we used too bump each other at the Daredevil's Lounge- things make sense and I can see everything clearly for a moment. I've missed her company.

The wheel of time has kept turning in my absence. I've been cut out of the loop, I never realized how much things change in such a short period of time. Time to get back on track and move along with the Change of Seasons.

Welcome Home

2010-04-30T01:16:00.003+03:00

Vincent stood quietly at the hangar entrance. It was night time at the Impro and the hangar was quiet. Only ambient was the low hum of maglocks that kept gargantuan warmachines at bay. He stared at the golden sheened hull of the Arazu class Force Recon.

After srawing a long breath he started walking across the hangar. Favoring his left leg as he walked, grimacing every now and then when he put too much weight on the right one. Dimly lit red "Hangar 016" text shimmered across the metallic surface of the path way. A sight he had not seen for a long time.

Vincent paused along the walk way, to gaze at the empty docking clamps where his Carrier used to be. Now, only empty space remained to remind him of his failure. He brushed a silvery grey strand of hair of his face and put his hands in his pockets. Hanging his head low as his mind raced.

Not much had changed in two months, yet everything seemed different. It was the hangar as he had left it, and still, somehow, it was like it was out of focus. Desynchronized. Or maybe it was just him.

Finally he stood on the entrance lift to the Arazu. The scanner did not recognize him. The silver in his hair, the sunken features and what ever biochemical alterations they had done at the Nine to his clone made his bio-ident unrecognizeable to the scanner. He muttered a serial code for one-time entry and the retinal scan, effective if somewhat outdated mode of identification, confirmed his identity. Aura's voice echoed in the empty hall quietly.

"Evening, Vincent. Welcome Home."

Logical Progression

2009-12-12T21:32:00.004+02:00

From: Vincent Pryce
To: Aria Jenneth
Subject: Homework

Ok. Here's the first answers to your questions, sensei. Like you requested I tried to reflect upon my action by the guidelines, as to refresh I have also typed it out here for you as well.

-Vince

PS. I really enjoyed our tea together. Hopefully we can meet again soon, I have still alot to learn.

Attachemnts; Homework.ndt

"Aria Jenneth > First, what the laws of human civil society-- Gallente, Gurista, even, whatever you like-- would do to this man, knowing of him what you know. Second, I would like you to write what the effects upon that society would be, if that society punished men like your prisoner in the same manner as you do. What would change? Third, write for me how that society would judge your own actions, and why. Let me be clear: the only judge of this matter is yourself. You should not read any criticism from me into this. But you should understand, and be clear upon, how others would judge you, and why.

First;

I decided after careful consideration use the Gallente as my chosen society for this query. After all that is where my roots lie and those are the morals and ethics I was taught to live by, so I think it's only approriate to compare myself to my origin point to see how far off the reservation I have really gone.

The Federation as it is prides itself as the cradle of civilization and human rights. We all now know how much that holds true when they burn people on live feed. Granted the man deserved it for his betrayal, but now I digress. So what owuld have the Gallente Federation done as a punishment to this man who hurt Kelsy?

According to Federal law after he had been caught he would have taken to local penitentiary to wait for his trial, which would have taken anything from few months to possibly years. He would have had 3 warm meals a day, clothed and housed. Sure the other inmates might have made his life unbearable or most likely not, the federal prisons are very clean cut... Mostly. After the trial, depending on the comptence of his lawyer, he would have gotten a year maybe two of jail time and sent to a district rehabilitation facility. He would have get hefty fines but... In the end it would not have served as proper punishment.

Second;

The Federation would be drastically different place would they follow my sense of Justice. I think crime would be all time low if they saw how the lawbreaker would be dealt with. I can envision it but I can not find the words to describe it.

I guess... I guess Luminiare would be known by a different name if our juridical system would follow my vision. They would probably call it Pandemonium. I mean, of course there would be justice and a fair trial by there would be Torture Gardens and Slaughter Gardens where those deemed guilty would be taken. These Gardens would be for all to see, to demonstrate what will happen if you disobey - if you hurt someone with out due reason.

Like the man who hurt Kelsy, he is now confined on my carrier to a room of 100square meters. The walls show the fate he by his actions brought unto his family, friends and co-workers. He sees them without end burn and bleed to death. In between the streams there are on black base with white text reasons why this has happened. The room holds no bed, no toilet and no shower. His achilles tendons have been cut and I have removed his tongue. He is fed every other day with bare necessities. He is bound for the rest of his natural life to wallow in his own filth and excrements as a punishment for his infirctions.

If such punishments would be the bread and butter of the juridical system of any society it would by 'the norm' be deemed as a pandemonium, a perpetual Hell to those who would not understand the ingenuity of it, or infringe against it.

Third;

If was still a citizen of the Gallente Federation, or brought down by the DED, I would be most likely commited to an insane asylum. Deep behind locked doors, buried under a bureaucracy with no chance of release and I would be forced to spend the rest of my life in solitary confinment. I would be labeled as clinically insane – an inhuman monster. Not many understand the necessity of the punishment I have seen fit to bestow upon this man. My methods are cruel, savage and inhumane at best but no one can deny the fact that not him or any of the people who made him who he is are no longer around to hurt Kelsy, or anyone else for that matter. The stain has been cleansed away. There is peace, order and safety once more."

Promises

2009-11-05T21:37:00.003+02:00

*Vincent is by a mahogany desk, his feet on the table. The dim yellow tinted light of the table lamp illuminates the desk and surroundings. The room quite different from the usual surroundings of the war ships he usually resides on. Instead of cold celadon metals the walls are covered with mahogany bookshelves and the shelves them self hold actual books not the replicas which you can buy from the decor store from the Crystal Boulevard, but actual print. The elaborate designed oriental rug on the floor glistens in the light of the lamp. He leans back in his dark brown leather chair and watches out of the window, observing the rainy weather outside. In his hands he holds a skull, bleached white with a small fracture on the skull, and beside the fracture a hole made by a small caliber handgun.*

What is it with these people and their incompetence to protect their own? Time and time again, people are taken from underneath their eyes. This is the second time that this happened to one of their own. Word is, Repentence is again been abducted by some unknown entity. I do not know what is going on with the Ghosts anymore. Maybe that is part why I left. They were turning on me and on each other. I guess they have only dissolved further as they no longer can not fend for their own. I feel sorry for Myrhial, she'd deserve better than this. I still think of her from time to time, guess one could say I truly do miss her.

*He looks at the skull in his hands. Staring into the now empty eye sockets.*

Still, I've run to their rescue one too many times. Why should I care anymore? I left. Hmph, I guess because some of them are still my friends... They haven't been exactly keeping contact ever since I left. I hear Amaterasu joined our academy. Haven't heard of her, not once. Not a single word of gratitude after I saved her.

*His fingers rap on the surface of the skull as he purses his lips and leans on the grim memento.*

It makes me wonder, how much of a family they really were and who really were my friends? After I sent my letter explaining my departure I've received only one reply from someone I didn't expect one. She really surprised me, in a positive way I guess true loyalty does not always come from where'd you expect. I must send Yishal a rose to let her know, her sentiment is appreciated.

*Long silence hangs in the air before he speaks again.*

I've been helping Kimochi with her special little predicament, she keeps in touch with me. Her I still care for so very much. She is my closest friend after all. She feels she is so disfigured and horrid with her condition. I think she still is beautiful, her beauty is so much more than just skin deep.

*Vincent chuckles to himself as he looks at the skull, extending his arm holding the skull, examining it.*

Kelsy would kill me if she ever found out that I got Kimmy that specially designed eye patch, especially if she saw the price tag. I put in an order on the wires for a specifically designed eyepatch, I had quite intrinsic details for it. Someone picked up the order... Someone indeed. The Rabbit himself made that special eyepatch. I never got the honour of meeting the man but it had his electronic signature, I had it verified. It is an exquisite piece of work. The note said he needed something to pass the time for the evening... It cost me around 600 million but it was worth it. I hope Kimochi has been satisfied with it as well.

*Vincent places the skull on a pedestal on the table. The plaque reads 'Repentence'.*

I think I need to pay Inara a visit sometime soon. She must be devastated by all this, her ability to protect her own once again undermined... She never could handle that too well. She's proud and strong but these are the little things that have broken her before. Allthough I imagine she has someone to comfort her already... Maybe she has activated one of many Repentence soft clones already. Like the first time.

*He looks at Repentence's skull as he finishes his sentence.*

Last time Repentence was alive for months while Inara was living with the replica, before she finally shot herself. Her mother brought this to the Gate, I've had this ever since. The replica nearly had it's sanity shattered when it saw the skull. It knew, that her brother and her lover had made a conscious choice of abandoning her in favour of their comfort. I told them to lay siege to the Tyrathlion estates. Did they listen to me? No. I have kept this skull as a grim reminder of the devotion some of my then so called family had. Pretty words have no meaning if they are empty, and saying them twice don't make them so. It is actions that give meaning to those beautiful words like 'I love you' and 'I will do anything to keep you safe'. I've learnt since, corporation and wearing the same colours do not make a family, nor is it blood. It's emotions, caring and true devotion to do everything in your power to shelter those you love. As Xav did to for me, and as I would do for him. As Kimochi did to me and as I have done for her. As Myrhial did for me and as I would do for her.

*Sighing deep he turns too look out of the window. He leans to the mahogany table with his weight and it makes a soft creaking sound of an old wooden furniture.*

Still, after all that is said and done, some of them still are my friends and some even family. I promised to them I would be there if they would ever need me. I have many times said I am a man of my word. Even if Repentence is dead, I know how much she meant to Inara and I will help her get at least the replica back. If nothing else I will be there for her support. Why? Because I love her, she is my friend and I made a promise to her. These will get me killed someday...

*Vincent looks at the skull like it's asking him "What will?" he chuckles softly.*

Promises.

Blood Stained

2009-10-30T13:08:00.004+02:00

*A video of a woman being eaten alive by two exquisitely bred slaver hounds is playing on the screen. Three men are laughing and mocking the middle-aged khanid woman. One Red haired gallente, one black haired clad in black and a middle aged looking civire male watch as the woman is slowly consumed. The black haired man wraps his arms around the khanid woman affectionately before he sinks his teeth into the woman's cheek, biting and ripping chunk of her cheek with his bare teeth. The blood stained face of the grinning black haired man is left frozen on the screen. His eyes flaring in the camera, but some would argue it's the lunatic inside the mans head showing on the camera rather a reflection of light. Vincent frowns and sighs while looking the gruesome image of himself on the screen.*

Not long ago Kelsy saw this video. How far I am willing to go for my friends and loved ones. What I truly am capable of when pushed.

*Vincent sets up a finely crafted spoon over the specifically designed crystal glass. A fairy engraved on the glass is seductive as the drink that is to be enjoyed from the glass. He sets a sugar cube on the spoon and pours absinthe slowly over the cube down to the glass. He sets the sugar cube alight with his zippo lighter.*

I will never forget the look on her face when she saw this... And more.

She was horrified, appalled, repulsed by me. Most of all... She was scared of me.

*The sugar slowly melts into a caramel like substance in the glass. He mixes the caramel into the absinthe with the spoon slowly.*

For a Cartel loyalist she has seen very little of the actual horrors. A pretty face for the poster and publicity she's been for them I think. She saw a video me annihilating an Angel research outpost. She was horrified by it, she asked me "How could I do such a thing, that she'd hope me to be a little loyal to 'her people'." I made her see, the reality, the horrors, the terrors of what I had to do to prove my loyalty to the Cartel. Holo after another burst in streams to the screen her face went pale. The genetic experiments, slave breeding camps, mass rapes, the cleansing of the stock to make it superior for sale and much more, all for profits and business. I showed her why I left the Cartel. She's never asked or questioned my decision since.

*He takes a slow and long sip of the glass.*

Hmmm, this is indeed is the first entry after my departure from the Ghosts. Xav took me in. I mean, where was I gonna go? Back to the Federation? Fuck that. I am far beyond the hope of returning to a society like that ever again.

Guristas have been much more forgiving of my past transgressions, I guess they understand we all have our history and just want to live our life without constraints... I do not know. I guess they trust me because Xav does. He is so much like Reneé was, again pulling me back on my feet. I am glad I have friend, no, a brother like him. Now I'm trailing off the topic again...

*Vincent downs the rest of his drink and sets the glass on the table, the spoon creating a soft chime as it hits the glass.*

We have indeed gotten back together with Kelsy, I have broken my back ten times over to make up for my mistake. I guess when I fucked up, something was broken inside of her as well. She slipped back to smoking, drugs and reckless partying. Maybe it was her way of punishing me. She knows i detest her drug use and I don't much care for her smoking either. She's cut back quite a bit and we've grown much closer again. As it is our relationship is like dancing on glass at the moment but at least this times, there's no lies and both have their darker habits laid out in the open.

*Vincent stands up and looks at the lunatic in the screen, eye to eye.*

Still I wonder, can she really love me and trust me after all she has seen and been through. She has only now seen my many sides. She's lived so sheltered so far. She has seen the mad and visceral me now as well. Time will tell.

At least, this time around she knows that my soul is Blood Stained.

À Tout Le Monde

2009-10-14T01:18:00.008+03:00

À tout le monde

I have been thinking my life, more than usual of late. What I have done, what I must do in the service of the Cartel, what they asked me to do to prove my loyalty. The victims I deprive, deceive, murder and enslave. I... this isn't me. I look into the mirror and what I see? A monster... Sure, I have perpetual freedom, I have money, I have had it all, but at what cost? I've lost my sense of who I am, my soul, my life... My loved ones.

I have done terrible things, unspeakable things. Things I would see myself burn for. I have destroyed families, enslaved cities worth of people and made fathers watch as their daughters are turned into drug addled prostitutes. I can't do this anymore. I can not hide behind 'It's just business'. I just can't do it anymore. This is not me, I am willing to go far beyond driven for those I care, but not for profits.

As I rip of these insignias of the Cartel, I must rip out the insignias of the Ghosts as well. This isn't me and this is not my life no matter how hard I try. It's time to move on and find out who I am and what I am.

À tous mes amis

I'm sorry it took me this long to write this letter, I didn't know what to say or how to say it. This is a letter to you, my beloved friends.

Know that even if this isn't the life for me, I do not blame or resent you, my friends, sisters and brothers who choose to live this life. We all must do what we need to do to survive in this world. If you can live with yourselves doing this, I wish you truly the best. I hope, someday, you'll forgive me and see why this is not the life for me. You all are my friends, I think no less of you and I hope you will not think any less of me.

Je vous aime

To those of you who came to know the real me, to know much of my internal turmoil and torment and you were there to support me without end, I love you all and even as I take my leave, know that you all will always have a place in my heart. To me, you all are something worth fighting for. I have made mistakes even though my intention were good they have resulted in much more misery, but I always meant it for the best as I tried to protect you, to shield you and hold the Family together. Now I see that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Myrhial, Kimochi, Kelsy, Koshmarnaya, Inara and all the rest of you. You mean the world to me, and even though I have made a round of bad calls. Even as dysfunctional as our family was, it's not the reason behind my decision. I hope in time you understand that.

je dois partir

It's come time now to take my leave. Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. I shall miss you all terribly.

These will be the last words I'll ever speak as an Angel, and they shall set me free. So as you read this, know my friends; I would love to stay with you all, but I can not do so with good conscience. Please smile, smile when you think about me.

Love,

-Vince

====

OOC: This is an open letter IC to the following Members of Naraka (and to some now-ex-members as well);

Myrhial Arkenath, Kimochi Rendar, Kelsy Talan, Koshmarnaya Akula, Yishal, Inara Subaka, Repentence Tyrathlion, Elysa Varbolt, Milo Caman, Celia DeKline and Zukko Firaga

Cherry Pie

2009-09-16T19:21:00.003+03:00

Alone.

Cold and hollow.

I needed time to think, time to clear my head.

I retreated to the only place where I can think and clear my head. The Tzvi orbital stations botanical gardens. There is something soothing in the sound of the flowing fountain and the smooth macadam under your feet. The flora and fauna make it complete, almost like being planet side but more controlled and serene. Usually there is no one here besides me. Tzvi isn't exactly the most populated hub in space. Most capsuleers stop here only briefly and almost none enter the gardens.

This time it was different.

Not long after I had arrived, a sweet and perky scent pierced the air.

Cherry and... roses? Odd combination, but lovely nevertheless.

She approached me, starting to make conversation. I turned around saw this beautiful ni-kunni in front of me, crimson hair flowing down her shoulders her dress complimenting the blossoming full figure, still clad in piety and elegance. She saw my angel pin and her pale complexion went deathly. Obviously she knew of the Cartel enough to be afraid of them. I smiled and took my first steps closer to her, step by step predatory smile on my face, I toyed with her like a cat with her mouse prey. I cornered her against the wall and pressed close, nearly stealing a kiss. I could hear her heart race and see the temptation in her eyes.

I couldn't carry on.

I just couldn't.

She was still scared and I promised she would have nothing to fear of me. I managed to clam her down, she even agreed to take a walk with me. Though unfortunately she had to part soon after, I'm quite sure it wasn't all because of she wanted to finish her patrols.

Oddly enough that same night she came back.

I was singing to myself an old gallentean love song and she sat on the bench next to me. I had caught her scent long before she sat down next to me. We engaged in polite conversation and I once again lasciviously teased her. I touched her with a rose I had in my hand, ran it across her cheeks and down her neck, right down to her bosom. She shivered, she wasn't used to this kind of closeness from a stranger. We were worlds apart but only a rose petal away from an embrace.

She had something, something that peaked my interest. Her innocence stirred something in me. Something I had thought lost now, a desire to shelter and protect, to make her feel safe with no strings attached. I wanted to get to know her. She was hesitant to reveal anything of herself, so I pressed on and offered to tell a something of me for every question I asked of her.

And we talked, long into the night.

Despite our difference we befriended each other. She told me her secrets and I told her mine. She is an interesting sweet little thing. To think... What the Cartel would ask me to do to her... The thought already breaks my heart and I don't even know her too well. I know, that the Cartel would drug her, enslave her and because she is so beautiful make her a pleasure slave or a whore... I can't. I can't do that. I can't the bear the thought of it happening.

She is sweet and innocent, lived a so sheltered life. Yes, someday she will have a harsh wake up to this world.... But it won't be by my actions.

I gave her an affectionate nickname as well.

She is

My sweet

Cherry Pie.

Train of Consequences

2009-09-13T17:15:00.005+03:00

You reap what you sow right?

What if the that something you think you've done for naught comes around and proves you wrong?

Not long ago, I was kicking it back at the Last Gate. Thinking over things I had done and accepting the fact that Kelsy didn't want to see me no more and that our thing was over. The storm in my head may have calmed down but in all my recklessness the chaos I had spread around me had destroyed everything important to me. So, alone I stood in a dream that I had turned to a nightmare, my hopes lay in front me of now in smoldering ruins. I had reaped what I had sown.

I encountered this woman later that night, Sah Phyre. I met her first at the Three Sisters 'Bliss' party. Interesting if withdrawn and shy woman, except while intoxicated. We sat down and talked, all the everyday pleasantries and trivial talk, then the talk turned to her almost ritual like scars. She had told earlier at the 3S that they were of her time when she was caught by Blooders and enslaved by them, not for ritual purposes but as a servitor and a possible convert. We talked about her time there and eventually how she escaped...

This is where the story took an unseen turn. She didn't escape. She was rescued by a capsuleer leading a strike force for the MIO under a contract.

That capsuleer was me.

She took my hands, looked into my eyes and said "I know this is late, but... Thank you for saving me." My heart skipped a beat and my mind raced like a vagabond with snakes. I had saved her life. Turns out I had made a difference. This woman in front of me now, lively little capsuleer was alive, because of me.

Made me think the choices I have made. It made me think of Nicole... It could've been her. I t could've been her I sold the drugs, It could've been her I sold for forced prostitution... I...

What have I done? Am I doing the right thing here? This isn't the first time I doubt my loyalty to the Cartel... Can I keep on supporting something that commits things I am not alright with. I... I can't hide behind the slogan "It's just business". There's consequences to my actions. I undock and I move the fates of thousands. Can I keep giving my support to a Family I love knowing what they truly stand for?

I lay on the tracks and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hear it coming.

The Train of Consequences.

The Sound of Silence

2009-08-19T20:42:00.003+03:00

I told Kelsy.

I reaped what I had sown.

And now I am alone...

I have no doubt in my mind. I deserve this. I deserve the cruel words she threw at. Be they of spite and anger, vicious and vile words, I deserved every single one of them.

Now, I have lost everything and only now I realise how I sick I have been. Why did I do what I did? Why did I sleep with Ciarente? Why did I nearly sleep with Inara? Why I betrayed Kimochi? Why I have maimed and destroyed people around me for no reason other than an awkward look?

Because I can not control myself, my desires or my emotions.

I haven't been able to control my instincts, desires or passions. Love, lust, hate, anger - all have been overwhelming and I have been a slave to my passion. No more.

This is the second time Ethan has pulled me out of the gutter. He gave me shelter when I deserved none, he helped me when I needed it the most. He saved my life, literally beating life back into my dead body. I went through some unpleasant memories when the nanites churned to help me - I died of a heart attack, second time now. 9 minutes I was out. I was literally scared to death, he held in my panic and beat my heart back beating when it had stopped doing so. I owe him my life.

I have been sick. I have destroyed so much in my wake. Toma and Ethan managed to come up with a solution which in conjunction of Milo's implant has given me a chance to live a normal life.

The cacophony in my head has died down.

And all that remains now is...

The Sound of Silence.

Bad Things

2009-08-07T14:37:00.002+03:00

Bad Things.

I've done a lot of bad things recently.

I have just been so happy about the fact there is someone innocent in this world who knows what I have gone through, and with whom I can feel whole again, with whom I can touch the innocence once more. We talked with Cia, and decide it's better just to keep the distance. I wish to be a friend for her, but I think I agree with her... Best to stay away from each other. I don't wish to ruin her life, and I don't wish to hurt Kelsy... More than I have.

I've only now realised what I have done.

That night after newt had died I went to Inara's place, and we talked and she ended up cradling me and I nearly... I was slightly inebriated but it's no excuse... We didn't in the end, and I am glad we didn't but it made me wonder... Am I such monster of a man that I would betray those that I love?

I went to The Skyhook, furious at myself, confused and disgusted by what I had done and where I had nearly lapsed. I just had to find out am the kind of man...

Kasuko Merin was there, a very attractive if crude civire woman. I decided I am going to nail her, fuck her till she passes out if I am such monster. Despite all of my intentions all of my doubts. Simple lust didn't cut it. I love Kelsy too much to go down that road, and I didn't. I had Kasuko drink so much she passed out, I just couldn't. I'm sorry for using her to gauge my character.

So what it was more than simple desire then. It was that sense of unity, and longing a touch of something I can never again have, something that I've lost. Still, it doesn't change that I've done bad things.

I... I have to tell Kelsy what I've done... There is no excuse for it. No rationale. If I lose her, I deserve it. I'm a horrible man and she deserves better than me, she has the right to know. I hate myself... How could do such things...

Bad Things.

Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi!

2009-08-07T14:25:00.002+03:00

*The datapad camera begins recording, first showing hazy image of a ceiling, then spinning around with complimentary clutter and gallentean cuss words. Finally the pad is stabilised, showing a very drunken Vincent in a tattered black silken suit. Leaning on a wooden table, somewhere in the cluster. Thumping rock is playing on the bg and Vince is leaning on a half empty Kimotoro Gold bottle. His eyes red and hair messy.*

I... Can't believe he's gone...

*Vincent jugs down on the bottle*

Final Death... No clones, no soft scans... Nothing. He is really gone. Newt is dead and gone.

*Another long and hard downing of the golden liquid. The last drops flow down Vincent's lips. He throws the bottle away and soon a sound of shattering glass can be heard. And bitter tears run down Vincent's cheeks. He leans against the table sobbing for what seems an hour or more. The electric eye recording his sadness to the digital diary. Finally he clams down and reaches for the datapad.*

I need to call Elegbara and tell him... that... that Newt is gone.

*The feed cuts*

The Good Life

2009-08-07T14:03:00.003+03:00

What am I? A poor case for a holoreel villain? I should delete that last entry... Well maybe not, better to have it remind me how stupid I can be at times.

Despite how much I am ghost of perdition for lil Red, I just want to make sure she can fend for her self. If that means having to mold her into something vicious, so be it. I won't have her become another Reppy, much as I might love the little sprite, she is not much more than a slave child. She even gave her contract over to Inara. We talked this about with Inara as well, she was a tad insulted about my perceptions about Reppy, but if anything, I've been honest with her always.

Not everyone is made to be a MAster or Mistress... I've seen the Mistress, the dominance, in Red. She has potential, I jsut need to hel her to coax it out. Inara was concerned we weren't the best family for Ama. I disagree. We are exactly what she needs. Forceful and independent, something she needs to learn to be.

I've devised her the skill plan, we need to start the firearms and self-defence. I want to give her all she needs to live the The Good Life.

Ghost of Perdition

2009-07-28T14:54:00.006+03:00

*Vincent sits on a black leather office chair in his Arazu, deep in the bowels of the beast, in the security surveillance room. He rocks on the chair and looks at the holographic display of brutor woman.*

Amaterasu Mikoto... Little Red...

*He smiles softly playing with silver Angel Cartel pin in his hand.*

Such a tender little soul. So frightful, so... Corruptable. There is much pent up rage in her, all she needs is an outlet for it, and I know just how to direct it. Once I'm done with her Little Red will be a preta rivaling my ferocity. I think Inara has a head start, but I will make Little Red in my image. My promiscuous sister will spoil her and leave her taint on her so best I step in before such happens. Despite how much I may care for Inara, one of her kind is enough. No doubt she has already tried bedding her and her man this, Reimei Kaminamida, the man has his head filled with so much Sansha cybernetics that I'm afraid we may have to put him down unless he can rid himself of them.

*Diabolical smirk creeps on Vincent's face as he looks at Amaterasu's file and picture*

I'm sorry sister, you have your pet plaything. You have already tainted her and made her like yourself. This one however... This one is mine. I'll be her Ghost of Perdition...

*Vincent breaks into a cackling laughter, gripping the Cartel pin tight. His cackling erupting in manic laughter. The pin bites into his hand and a small drop of blood hits the floor. His voice echoing in the loudly in the heart of the Arazu.*

Gone Too Far

2009-07-24T15:02:00.004+03:00

*Vincent sitting at a night time cafe terrace, drinking a coffee. Dressed in a black silk shirt and matching colour leather trousers, his silver tipped boots gleaming in the night lighting.*

I have no idea why or how I ended up at this coffee shop. I was cruising in my vagabond and next thing I know I'm getting fired on by the local law enforcement, what he fuck am I doing in Torrinos of all place and why didn't I pay attention to the system security rating... Fuck it.. I'm here now with a bust warp core. It's getting repaired at the moment...

*He sips coffee lost in his thoughts*

Lot of shits gone down... Bad and I guess... Good. Let's start with the bad... I don't know why I haven't done this sooner, always eases my mind to say things aloud. Anyway as I was saying... Bad things...

*A waitress comes to refill his coffee, Vincent pauses for a moment and crosses his legs. He tips the waiter as she leaves and turn back to the data pad.*

I was at the Synenose Accord Conference, at .. *Vincent chokes momentarily* at Seyllin... I haven't been there since, since that day. Then there I was, the ruins, the destruction... It was just as I remember. I can still hear their screams, see them plead for help. I am so sorry Reneé, I failed you... I couldn't save anyone.

*Vincent clenches his right fist and then releases it*

The scars maybe gone and the wounds healed but, I still feel the flame and the pain. Ghosts of past came to haunt me. Heavens help me I would have collapsed there if haven't been for Kimochi and her support.

*Looking rather grim reminiscing things past he continues.*

I'm not exactly sure what Myrhial thinking that night. She saw me down, I guess she wanted to cheer me up or something but by heavens was she suffering the case fucking retarded stupids?! She offered me pills to cheer me up. To ME!? Fuck me, I've just managed to get out of rehab because of I almost killed myself with drugs, not to mention caused such suffering to those around me... Hell, I am still officially on indefinite leave of absence. I guess... I guess she was meaning well but, then and there she went too far. I nearly killed her where she stood. Had it been anyone else she would be now dead by my hands. It was such an insult to me. I need to take some serious time to cool down before I come face to face with her again.

*Rubbing his temples he frowns a moment then relaxing and soft yet troubled smile creeps on his face*

I met a new friend, from a venue I did not ever imagine to make friends. She is an ex-Sansha supporter, despite how I abhor them... I connected with her. She was... Ciarente was the first ever whom I could tell of... ...of it. She understood what it was like, it had happened to her if not as violently but at last as twice over twisted. We connected, there's something I can't explain. Every time I'm with her I feel a she understands what it's like. She like Nicole has this a certain innocence to her. I never want to see her corrupted, I am not surePRELI would be the place for her... As she'd see the world I call my own and... Preta Light has it's own quirks as well. I want her to be somewhere where she will never lose that kind spirit of hers, that penchant for helping others. Yet, I feel I need her but more time I spend with her, I fear I corrupt her. I'm afraid I have already Gone Too Far...

*Vincent raises his brow as he browses through a list which seems to be a list of resident capsuleers*

Damn... Ciarente Roth. I really shouldn't, but... I... Well since she lives here, I could pay her a visit, to see her once more, would be rude of me not to pay her a visit since I am here. Besides, once more can't corrupt her.

Right?

Set the World on Fire

2009-07-18T20:47:00.002+03:00

*Vincent sits in the commanders chair of the Gist Lucifer, the data screens are bustling with calculations and files. Vince holds a cup of coffee in his hand, looking grim as he seems to be clearly searching for something amidst the data streams*

Kelsy got hurt recently. Real bad. Some crazed fan laid his hand on her. Had she not managed to call me... I can't even bare to think of it. This crazed fan from her singing days managed to attack her. Near our hangars. How could I've failed so miserably in protecting her.

*Vince rubs his temples and then takes a sip of his coffee*

This sick fuck apparently tried to clone her for what ever sick purpose, when I found her. This civilian class old busted Navitas. The fucker had set his lab and camp there.. She was on the operating table... She had touched her. Thank heavens not sexually, but she was bare and vulnerable. He had kissed her... I saw the stains of her purple lipstick on him. How dared he...

*His voice seething with intolerable anger and hatred*

She is mine! No one may touch her without her express permission. Pumped full of heavens know what drugs, in wrong doses. I nearly lost her then. The implant Milo gave nearly overloaded, I had to crank it to full so I could manage to save her. I have never been so afraid in my life as I was then, the thought of losing her... I made the man pay. I maimed his limbs and burned his lips with Bunsen burner, no one and I mean no one will kiss her unless she allows it. I made a brain scan and took a DNA sample of the man. Once Kelsy was stabilized I set the man on fire, once Kelsy was satisfied I put a bullet to his head. I destroyed all evidence of this incident, Kelsy asked me not to allow it to happen. The ship along with all evidence was destroyed. Kelsy wanted me to keep it a secret, I guess she was ashamed that she was ambushed so easily.

*Vincent conjures up a image of man in an amarrian design torture mechanism in laboratory*

I cloned him, and now I will make him truly pay. I have Mortis tracking all of the mans family, friends and employers. When he's done that. I will kill them all. I will torture them beyond breaking point and then, then I will burn them alive and I will make him watch every second of it. No one hurts my loved ones and gets away with it. No one.

And to prove my point, I Will Set the World on Fire...

Psycho Holiday

2009-07-13T20:29:00.003+03:00

*Vincent sits at command deck of the Gist Lucifer, a customized Thanatos class carrier, running his hand through the holoprojection of Kelsy. Vincent is linked to the chair much like a pod interface. His normally pale complexion has a hint of tan. Vincent slides his hand across the arm of the chair.*

Angel engineers are truly genius. This prototype interface thing... Magnificent.

*The image of Kelsy disappear in the palm of Vincent's hand, like an old time magick. He then stands up and looks out the command deck window.*

I had a great time with Kelsy at her little private island in Trosquesere. Just me and her and the whole of the island to ourselves.

*Vincent smiles softly*

The implant Milo made for me is working out great, it helps me retain the control over most of my emotions. Still, I wish to see Dr. Einmoch just in case the implant gets fried or some sort worst case scenario. I think I am finally fit to return to active duty, time to put an end to my little Psycho Holiday. The modification to the corporate hangars to facilitate the astrometrics and science labs have been completed and I can set on my next private endeavour to help a friend, Project Artemis.

Morning Star

2009-06-16T22:18:00.005+03:00

*Vincent is walking through corridor of clearly gallentean design. The organic forms and the sheen of meridian and amethyst are a dead giveaway. The corridor is quiet and the lumination is to a bare emergency minimum. Sheets of protective plastic still cover most panels and data interfaces. his steps echo thrugh the giant corridor as he passe by a plaque saying "Command Deck" in gallentean. He takes a deep breath as he closes in on the bioscanner that clears him to enter. Auras pleasant yet cold voice sounds in the corridor "Welcome Vincent" as the giant double doors unlock and open for the first time since the assembly of the ship.

A magnificent view of a dark command deck, myriad of command posts and delicate instruments covered still by protective layering. Vincent walks around the command deck as the lighting follwos his movements, still to a bare minimum. A satisfied smile can be seen on his face as he runs his hand across the equipment. He arrives at one of the walls he closes his eyes and runs his hand across what seems to be a somekind of plaque. Vincent smiles faintly as he has seems to have found what he was looking for. he grasps the plastic cover and ppulls it off revealling the identifcation plate of the ship.

He turns around slowly with a smile on his face. Vincent takes a seat and crosses his legs, his hair covering his face partially. He leans back with pleased and mischevious smile on his face, like he would be ready to set the universe aflame. He hooks himeself to the ship interface and the ship comes alive. The corridors light up, and the command deck and it's multitude of equpiment come alive. The light behind the captains chair produce an illusion wings made of pure light extending from Vincents back. The final light to lit up is the one above the identification plaque.*

Gist Lucifer

Hate To Love Me

2009-06-14T17:31:00.004+03:00

*Vincent is sitting in a room deep inside the Arazu, the room is dark except for the multitude of holographic displays looping cuts from a recording. A beautiful dark haired achuran woman asks Vincent to hold her, pleading him almost desperate. He encloses his arms around the woman and lifts her into his lap and holds her. They sit quietly and Vincent pauses the video, rewinds it and plays the scene on loop, sound muted. He starts thinking aloud, as if talking to the woman in the feed*

Ironic that you came to me scared that day... asking what would I want and afraid how I would take advantage of you now that I’d seen you weak and defenceless, overwhelmed by your desires and not in control. You were so certain I would demand something of you to keep your secret. You were almost shocked when I told I wouldn’t, when I told you I would never do that since that is not how I treat family. I told you your secret was safe with me, and to this date it still is. Was this the first time anyone has ever been kind to you, showed you unconditional compassion?

*He sighs deep, and takes a sip of his absinthe as he looks at the fragile woman in his arms, burying her face in to his chest.*

Inara Subaka... You truly are an interesting woman. Time after time you surprise me. I never knew you had this side in you nor that it would be me who would bring it out in you. You told me that I was the only one who made you feel this way. You asked me to hold you... You showed me a side of you I never knew existed. Gentle, sweet, tender, loveable and ...Fragile. I brought your inner self to surface, one that no one else had seen. You giggled in my arms, blushed and felt safe when I held you. I should have seen it coming...

*Vincent leans back on his leather chair, rubbing his left arm he frowns a little as he reflects on the past weeks.*

Then we talked about our feelings, and I asked you to back off from me and Kelsy. I explained why I would not lay you down in the passion play you so yearn with me. It was not that I didn’t want you then or when you were... over excited, gods forbid you are beautiful and sexy but... I didn’t love you. I love someone else and when I do, I commit myself to them and to them only. You didn’t understand my desire for monogamy or what I meant by it then. I think you do now, and it’s made me all the more desirable to you, I keep resisting you. I think no one has ever turned you down or said no to you before.

*Vincent watches the video further as she leaves the Arazu she kisses Vincent on his cheek*

A few nights after, I sat down with you and Repentence, for casual talk and a cup of coffee. Your eyes were locked on me when she asked that what we were talking about the other day and mine were locked to yours. I silent conversation between our minds, signal that we both understood what was said earlier. Reppy took it the wrong way, she soon stormed out. Then... You asked me; what is love? I tried to explain you what it meant to me and how I perceived it. I left you wondering as I had to go, but I think I answered your question somewhat.

*He downs the glass in one go and pours another.*

Then, then you slept with Kimochi. I had asked you not to toy with her, not use her. You promised not to, bu you said couldn’t be held accountable if she’d come on to you. Fair enough I thought, not many could resist her if she’d decide to take what she wants. I told you it was fine if that was indeed what Kimochi would want. Then you finally did bed her with Repentence. Then you wrote me a letter, apologising for what you had done and that you didn’t seduce her intentionally. You were so scared, so frail. I told you once already, I wouldn’t hurt you and you didn’t betray me. It was Repentence who was the instigator. I sent you a mail telling it was alright and then I sent one to Repentence telling her that I’d want a word with her.

*Another shot is downed and he pours yet another one.*

You came to me again, scared and desperate. You wanted to convince me you didn’t want you didn’t want to hurt me. I believed you; I saw the truth in your eyes. Then you did something completely unforeseen, you begged me to spare Reppy from my anger and that I would not hurt her that she didn’t know what she was doing. I’ve never seen you like this. I pushed you, asking would you subjugate yourself to my every whim, no matter how perverse or violent, and by heavens, you said; yes. I knelt before you and kissed you once softly and said “You really do love her?” You replied that you did but not the way I was expecting. You said “I love other people that way”. I promised you I wouldn’t hurt Repentence since you cared for her so much.

*Vincent leans forward and rests his head on his hands*

Then I asked of you, who are these people you love. You went, quiet... You were struggling with your words. You squeezed my hand so hard and said to me “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to” You said something similar to me earlier. I thought about it a moment and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh, heavens...

*Still quiet is permeated by long sigh Vincent breaths out*

You love me.

*He rests his head in the palms of his hands again*

I held you in my arms and you broke down and cried. You hit me on my shoulder and cried “why does it have to be you?” I felt so sad then I wish I could have requited your feelings, to make you feel better, to feel loved back. Then you asked me, after a while; “Do you love me?” The silence that followed was heavy. I told you the truth. I do love you Inara, but as a friend. I can’t love you more much as I would want to; my heart belongs to another one. I guess for now, it was enough for you. You fell asleep on my lap soon after you slept so sound, and you looked so peaceful.

I carried you back to the Echidna’s Daughter on my arms, the guards let me in without a fuss when I explained who I am and what’s my intentions. They pointed me to right direction towards your quarters but I got lost nevertheless. Repentence came across m path and I asked her to show the way to your quarters. I laid you down on the bed and kissed you on the forehead and whispered you good night.

Then I turned my attention to Repentence. She was feeling uneasy with my presence, how I am with you or because of my letter that I wanted to talk with her. I tried to talk with her friendly, but she gave me the attitude. Then I asked her once more in a friendly way and she started barking insults and got all uppity towards me. I didn’t want to wake up Inara so had to quiet her bellowing down and at the same time shake the attitude away. I grabbed her by the windpipe and lifted her several inches of the floor, cutting the blood flow to her brain so she would quiet down. I promised you I would not hurt her... And I didn’t. She is lucky she has your protection. We’re she not under your wing, Inara, she’d faced a fate far worse than simple scare. Sometimes you need show tough love those who you care about so that they learn how to behave treat Family. I had to shoot one of your slaves as he came meddling in the conversation I had with Repentence. I showed Repentece lenience and I se t her down as she quieted a little. Then the little cunt shot me. Shot me?! I would have crippled her right there to teach her a lesson about manners but I promised you I would not hurt her. I stayed true once again to my promise and only disarmed her. Then her commotion woke you up, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep. I asked her once again “What was Kimochi to you?” She didn’t answer me until you set your blade on my neck and told me to set her free. I did so, oh how I admire your devotion to those you care for. You asked me why I did what I did and I told you I had to know, I had told you I would ask her. I also told you I didn’t hurt her. “Would have you done any different were you in my place?” I asked of you. “No, I wouldn’t” is what you answered. She finally told me what I wanted to hear in her fit of anger. I would have made her a slave to Wings and burned her face to teach her a lesson about using those I love for her purposes but I promised you Inara, I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t want to break your trust in me. I guess she was shaken enough to realise she had done wrong. No doubt she will cry to the Rabid Racist and to her brother about it. Meh, come what may, I was in my right here.

*Vincent takes a straight swig from the absinthe bottle as he watches the security footage of their conversation with Inara and he pauses it so that the screens show Inaras beautiful face.*

You escorted me out of your quarters and closed the door behind you. Before I knew it you slammed me to the wall, but as I was expecting a blade to my gut you once again surprised me... “Remember the question you asked me earlier?” Before I had the chance to answer, you stole a kiss from me forcefully and smacked me in the face with the truth as you said; “You are one of the people I was talking about, and I hate you for it!”

*He rubs his left arm he thinks and looks at Inara’s face in the screen*

I pulled out the bullet with a pair of tweezers and I closed it into your hand, your hand covered in my blood and the bullet in your grip.

* Vince runs his hand across her holoimage*

I ran my bloody hand over your lips and mine and then I kissed you so you could taste my pain. Letting that be the apology for the mess I caused that night for you. You accepted my apology without hesitation.

And I know, You Hate To love Me.

Umbrellas in the Rain

2009-05-25T18:13:00.006+03:00

*Vincent is sitting on one of his Arazu's rail guns, checking wiring and chips. The data pad blinking with schematics and equations. Red lights slowly turning to green as he aligns the guns to the frequency of the magnetic field stabilizer. Vincent utters his musings as he tweaks the turret*

Been a while since I last had the time to do this, I mean a log entry, not tuning the guns. Lots of interesting things have happened. I've made a new friend outside my current lifestyle. I've made peace with Verone and things are looking great with Kelsy and I've befriended Kimochi... Not all has been excellent of course, Koronakesh recently joined our ranks... And as I discovered he had the quite web of lies to manage. Now that it has started to unravel, he blames me for it. We've received an invitation to a dinner and a threesome from Inara, and the woman really wants to have a piece of me...

*He lays back on the turret for a while resting his eyes for a brief moment*

Yeah, lets start with the pressing matters. Ethan finally answered me, he invited me over to have a talk with me and talk we did. We discovered we were more alike than either of us had thought. He offered me the treatment of his personal physician, dr. Einmoch. Out of, weirdly enough, care and compassion. His concern and offer for help was unconditioned... It was weird. He is so much like Reneé.

*Vincent opens his eyes and looks into the distance.*

The new friend, Nicole Eisenfaust. Sweet, almost innocent like achur woman. She is so delicate and completely from a different world than I am. She is law-abiding, caldari loyalist and as I discovered - atrocious things I am not least bit moved by, she is still shocked and repulsed by. She's nothing like me and my kin. Her presence has made me think over the life I lead. Nicole has given faces to masses I exploit, to the innocent that die in the fray, to the poor souls we hook on crash after enslaving them so that they make subservient and obedient prostitutes. Can I hide anymore behind the line "At least we are honest what we do"? Now that the victims have a face can I really carry on doing what I have done? 'He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man' Someone once said. I have made a monster out of myself but Vincent lives here still. Nicole reawakened him. She is my one link to the life I left behind, a life I probably can't lead anymore even if I wanted to...

*Sitting up he picks up a spanner and continues tweaking the turret.*

I really should do this more often, this is a goddamn mess. Speaking of messes, that reminds me of Koronakesh. He finally left his Praetorian life behind and and was reborn a ghost. Things are never that simple it seems. He has his fingers in too many pies and his web of lies finally has started to unravel. Melicia had found out about his other women... Well, due to some misscommunique at the Gate, Koronakesh convinced it was me who fucked things up. Fuck it. He didn't need me to fuck up anything. I had nothing against the guy, why would I even do something like that? His arrogant asshattery has gotten me quite pissed and I've been inches away from introducing his nostrils to his brains. I told him to fuck off and as far as I was concerned he was not part of the Family... Harsh words. I'll give him another shot to swallow his pride and realise his mistake...

*The spanner snaps in half and lower part of if gets stuck inside the turrets machinery*

Oh for fucks sake, why can't anything be simple for once?!

*Vince throws the upper part of the spanner into the distance*

Inara Subaka... Now there is a complicated woman. When I finally think I have her figured out. Shazam! Surprise! Nothing's like it seems. I though her as this cold hearted dominatrix bitch and our relationship professional, maybe read us as friends - what ever it might mean to her. Turns out she wants me... She wants me bad. I have no idea why, I haven't hinted any interest towards her or put on any moves on her. One could have say I've ignored her in that sense. Cold hearted dominatrix just don't do it for me and I don't much care for sex for sex's sake. I want emotions between me and who ever I might be having sex with. She came forth with the idea of threesome via Kelsy. If I wouldn't share Kelsy in a relationship with Sakura... I sure has won't share her, nor myself, as a sex toy for Inara. There is only one person I could consider polygamy with... And that's out of the question, considering who she is. Inaras desire for me became quite clear for me recently... After some interesting events at the gate involving gun, very annoyed Ethan and a very stupid young khanid lady. I ended up covered in blood, brains and gore. In comes Inara. She gets all woozy and shaky barely able to drink her water. I go to her, embrace her softly and help her drink, trying to calm her down offering to do my best to help her. Never seen her like this, never seen her weak. I walk her out of the Gate, knowing she's a proud woman she'd not rather have anyone see her in such state. I start to walk her towards the Echidna's Daughter My heavens... She was so.. Fragile, so sweet, so innocent. She even blushed. I was confused, I'd never seen her like this... Never even knew she could blush. That one moment when she held on to my arm, blushing like a schoolgirl, vulnerable - I felt attracted to her for the first time. Then she started to hesitantly hint me of her preferences, slowly but surely she manged to turn me on like an preheated blaster cannon. Then it hit me how deep in shit I really was. The blood didn't make her feel ill, I should have known better, but it made her aroused! So very aroused! I could almost smell her scent when she started coming on to me...

*Vince sighs deep and shakes his head after facepalming*

I couldn't go through with it, much as she had managed to turn me on. I couldn't... I didn't love her, only lusted after her this one time and I had promised to the two women I love I would not hurt Kesly. I had said it to Kelsy, and I promised it to Kimochi when she made me swear. If I had fallen then and there for Inara's charms, I'd have not only broken Kelsy's heart, but Kimochi's heart would have been crushed for naught. I just couldn't do that. I eventually managed to dodge the bullet this time... I'm afraid I have to figure out how to shake her off my back or this thing could get really complicated.

*He just shakes his head*

Kelsy told me... She does crystal egg every now and then. I can't stand drugs... I have first hand experience of them, what they can do to yourself and those around you. I haven't mind selling them and such, guess that makes me a hypocrite, but I tears me inside to see her to poison herself. While back, she came home drunk and high... She was barely conscious, I hooked her to the arazus mainframe so I could watch her clear it out. We talked about it and the reasons that had lead to her... It's how she'd dealt with stress and emotional distraught when with Kimochi. I held her softly and told her that if something was bothering her she'd come and talk to me and I'd see what I could do. I couldn't believe me when she said with a bedazzled look on her face "And you would listen and not just ignore me?"... Of course I'd listen to her, she means the world to me. I would never ignore her. I love her. back to the topic of crystal egg. I said, if she wants she can do it if it's her thing, who am I to deny her. I tried so hard to adjust and accept it. Until a few nights back, I saw how even a little of it changed her. She became aloof, indifferent and not herself. It tore me apart to see her in such a shape. I couldn't sleep, I just worried over her... Scared of she'd get hurt, and that she'd loose herself into the crystal. She sensed I was uneasy and I told her why... She said she would quit using it, for me. I never asked it of her, not once. It means so much that she's willing to give up it for me. I love her so much.

*There is soft smile on his face, and he eventually manges to take the broken spanner part out.*

Maybe eventually things will turn out alright. I've talked with Kimochi and we've befriended each other once more. We talked long, we cried and we held each other. I still love her, very much and her feelings are mutual. We both know there is always someone to turn to when things get rough. I will be there for her to catch when she falls and she'll let me lean on her when I'm weak. We are to each other umbrellas in the rain.

Reinkaos

2009-04-29T11:55:00.006+03:00

Oh it's been long since I updated the journal...

A lot has happened. So much I don't even know where to begin...

First of all, I died. Not podkilled. I mean I died... That was very different from podkilling. I was actually about to die the dreaded Final Death. The emergency crew resuscitated me in the nick of time, I fell to a coma for four maybe five days after...

I don't remember much how it happened. I had an argument with Kimochi, and then my cough escalated, and soon I was bleeding everywhere, I didn't notice it at first, I was so caught in the dispute with Kimochi... Then I blacked out. I heard Kelsy crying my name, and it feels like she kept calling me day after day to come back. Eventually I did and when I woke up, she was there lying next to me. Turns out she'd been there every hour of the day watching over me, taking care of me. No one has ever done that to me. Not ever. She was there for me again when I needed her, like an angel heaven sent. I love her so much...

While I was at the hospital, she lived there with me... So sweet. She'd decorated my room with purple flowers all around. Speaking of hospital it turns out I was originally delivered to Tzvi Medical and someone had informed DED about me. The Family broke me out and took me under their wings, it means so much to me that they'd go through all of that. I spent the rest of my hospitalisation in the Ghost Festival infirmary. That's the third one I owe Myrhial.

During my stay in the infirmary I had fairly unexpected guest. Ethan came by. He had this bunch of pink roses with him. Had I not been so dumbstruck having him visit me I'd laughed myself to death. He surely has a sense of humor. He told me that it was the directors of his corp representing the fairer sex that had put him up to it. Still I do appreciate the gesture, it means a lot.

This one night Kelsy was sleeping sound next to me, she fell out of the bed and I woke up to it. I've never felt such overwhelming panic when I saw her laying on the floor as I realized she'd fallen down. I didn't think, I acted. I jumped off the bed lifted her on the bed and checked for injuries. Thankfully she was fine. this was only a few days after waking from a coma. I haven't felt such reservoir of strength inside me rise as then. I was practically bed ridden but seeing her hurt overrode everything else. I was so terrified. Yet I had the strength of ten men in an instant to make sure she was alright and safe.

Myrhial came to visit me later on... It was kind of her. I was hoping to catch up with her. We talked a bit what had happened in the meantime I was in the lala land of dead dreams. It seems I wasn't the only one in the corp to have messy relationships. It seem Jude's has his own web of drama. It seems he has managed to charm both Aria and Myrhial. Things have gone ugly with them. Jude's retreated to a shell, and Aria has declared Myrhial her rival... Jude needs to harden the fuck up and make his choice.

Under the hard tungsten shell there is a fragile and gentle heart inside Myrh. My sweet angel - my dark sister. I comforted her and held her in my arms and wiped away the tears. Come what may, I'll be there to catch her if she falls.

Next few days I spent with Kelsy. I needed to get out of the hospital so we went out. He went to this lovely market place in Tzvi station. They made it looks like a city with a nice panoramic view which made it look like we're on a planet. Even the air condition systems where made so that it felt like fresh breeze. All in Gods glory I guess, don't really care I just enjoyed the scenery. She then took me to shopping, we bought her a few new clothes. I didn't mind, I enjoyed the little fashion show she put on for me.

This is where my reincarnation turned to chaos again. I was released home with the clause I had a someone watching over me and my condition daily. Kelsy was more than happy to take on the job. We had only just settled down when the shit hit the fan. Few days after release. I got a message from Takara Rourke, CEO of the Black Shamrocks... VETO had destroyed their laboratories and the medicine and all the research of it were destroyed. Only a few days after I told Verone that they were helping me. I was furious. I wanted to kill him, his family and torture Kyoko while he was watching so he'd have to face the despair and loss his corporation put me through. I lost it completely. I sent mail to Myrhial. It was only her order that held me back... Her order that helped me settle down. The mood swings have gone worse again. I haven't taken any medication since then... I may need to switch to normal prescription pills. It also will mean I can't jack into a pod. Then I sent Verone a mail, I don't remember what I wrote in it exactly I was so blinded by despair. I only remember the question I had in my mind; Why? He hasn't replied to me. We have also moved our operations to Sinq Laison from Tzvi... And we are expected to co-operate with VETO. I'm not sure I can do that... Not before I get some answer from Verone. A closure for this incident. Jude shares my sentiments, but his hatred runs even deeper. I am sure if it came to assaulting the skullbunnies, he'd be feeding the barrage to the autocannons faster than I could empty them. I need time to think all of this. For now I will just lay low and concentrate on what's important in my life. Kelsy. I can't go around kamikaze style akimbo gunning anymore... I have to think of her safety as well. I don't want her to get hurt because of my actions.

Raising from the dead, reincarnated to a new cycle of chaos... My Reinkaos.

Victim No.52

2009-04-16T15:59:00.002+03:00

Tzvi Medical - Mending Your Body For Gods Glory

Dear, Ghost Festival Directorate

Patient number 52, Vincent Ian Pryce, has listed your corporation as next of kin with one Kimochi Rendar. We would recommend that you would contact us with your earliest convenience.

Mr. Pryce is currently in the ICU due to his unstable condition. He has suffered a sever blunt trauma to his head and is suffering from severe internal bleeding. There is an unidentified chemical substance in his body, deteriorating his condition further. Mr. Pryce is currently comatose. We noticed he is a capsuleer but we cannot transfer him safely to a new clone until we know has he suffered possible brain damage and to what extent. The situation is not favourable and it is unlikely he will survive the week. May God grant mercy on his soul.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Falen Kurisa

Executioner's Song

2009-04-15T14:44:00.006+03:00

*Vincent stands in his Arazu, playing his electric guitar. Messing up mid song, unable to concentrate properly.*

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

*He throws his guitar across the room, kicking the stack of amplifiers down in his fit of frustration and anger. A blasting storm of cacophony sweeps around the Arazu, slowly turning to one single high pitched squeal from the amplifiers. Vincent pulls Castiel out and shoots the stack into smithereens. Pieces of metal and wood fling around the Arazu, as he lets the Castiel wreak havoc on the amps with the Hail hollow points. He screams in an agonizing voice as the gun spews the hailstorm on the stack. Finally silent clicking coming out of his gun he throws it across the room. Vincent collapses to a nearby sofa, shivering and wet with cold sweat.*

Just one more time wouldn't hurt, to stabilize me... That's all, one quick fix to let me concentrate.

*Vincent picks up one of the vials filled with yellow translucent liquid. His hands shaking as he tries to open the vial. He drops it to the floor and it shatters. Vincent whimpers as he sees his salvation spreading on the floor. He picks up another, managing to open it just barely. As he is about to dose himself he stops. Flash of events past run in his eyes, he shakes his head violently screaming and then smashing the vial on the table.*

Fuck no! I won't do it. Not anymore!

*He shivers, cold sweat running down his face. Death-like pallor on his face he stares in to nothingness in agony.*

The reply from Kimochi... She really hates us. I can't blame her for hating me, but what Kelsy did to her? It was she who tore Kelsy's heart out. She threatened to kill us if I ever came close her again. As much as I care for her, there is a line even she should not think of crossing. I deserve her violent tendencies, Kelsy does not. If that bitch even looks at Purpelz the wrong way I will make Hasateem seem like fucking walk in the park!

*Vincent starts convulsing violently. Muscle spasms ravaging his already weakened state. He vomits violently, spewing clear liquid onto the floor, at the end of his purging mixing to blood red.*

I thought she was just angry, but last night she walked in the 'Hook toting her sidearm. It seems what I didn't think more as angry bitter words was like Myrhial feared, very true and meaningful intents. Ironic that I was the one to defend Kimochi to Myrhial when I mentioned she was upset and spewed hateful words at us. Fuck that, the bitch can fend for herself now on. I may care for her but she threatens one I've come to love. Homie don't play that game. It seems Myrhial's concerns were justified about Kimochi, and so were Celia's...

*Drinking water from the jug on the table, he pauses and draws a long breath. He then lies back down on the sofa, laying his hand to his forehead.*

Now I understand why Myrhial was so freaked out when I mentioned how angry Kimochi was when I contacted her. I didn't think anything of it... I guess I was wrong about her. I thought as a commander she'd have more sense. The bitch needs to harden the fuck up. I swear to heavens, even if costs my employment, I will make the bitch regret being ever born if she hurts Purpelz.

*Vincent sighs as he sits up. He looks to the camera as if he was talking to someone in person, his face seething with rage.*

I was ready to become Death, the destroyer of worlds, for you once Kimochi... If you so much as look Purpelz the wrong way. I will sing you the executioner's song and burn you alive over and over and over again.

*He smashes the camera to the table in a delirious rage the image flips to static and back frantically. Vincent falls on the floor, vomiting blood; the camera goes to static and cuts out soon after.*

Mizerable

2009-04-12T02:37:00.005+03:00

*The camera activates, adjusting to the faint dim light. First thing it captures is hand laying down a mat black destroyed pipette on the table. It pans to the right focusing on Vincent. He is sitting on his couch wearing only boxers and a weary look in his eyes. Half of him is lost to the waves of emotions that take turns tearing his mind apart and part is a drift in a maze of his thoughts. He leans on his hand which is set on his knee and sighs deep, and speaks with a soft low voice*

A week of turmoil... I had my first public anxiety attack at the Hook. I was able to retreat to the board room. Just barely. Kimochi followed me there. She tried to calm me, I dropped my pipette as I tried to take it. I dropped it and I collapsed to the floor shaking, sweating. She picked it up, I tried to reach for it but she held on to it - didn't she see I needed it? I then was able to tell her what it was, my medication. I finally does myself, it was weird as it took a way the anxiety attack but did I really took it for that or to escape the moment. Just now I had been between Kimmy and Kelsy in the Hook, was it that triggered it? I later realised it wasn't Kimochi who I wanted to hold me through the worst, it was Purpelz. Nothing helped calm down as much as her neocom message and concern.

*Vincent picks up a bottle from the table, taking a long swig of it. The label shimmers in the dim light "Absinthe Chevalier De Caille". He sets the bottle back on the table. And draws a long breath.*

I sent Purpelz a message that night if she'd come meet me at the bio dome. I wanted to see her, tell her -no, show her- that I was alright. I wanted to know how she was doing after.... The night at her place. She told me she was fine. We decided to take a walk through the arboretum, she took my hand as we walked. We talked about the night and about our feelings about it.

*He taps his lip with his index finger and gazes into nothingness*

I told her... I told her that I had been thinking about her. That I had been thinking her a lot. She hugged me and tried to kiss me, she fell a little short even though she was on her toes. I... Kissed her back. I picked her up and carried her over to a near by bench and we sat there. She was on my lap, I took my jacket off to let her wear it as she was cold. Kelsy told me, she was happy that it was me who was her first. I had thought long what I'd answer her how I felt if it ever came up and truth to be told, I was happy too. I had no regrets.

* Vincent leans onwards and takes another swig of the bottle *

I held her there, and everything became so clear... I didn't even need my meds to focus myself. We kissed. She was so beautiful under the stars... Then we made love under all the stars. I didn't plan it to go there, it wasn't my intention but she came prepared. She had blackcurrant flavoured rubber with her. Not that it mattered, she wanted to take it off before we gave into each other properly...

*Leaning back Vince looks over his shoulder briefly and then sighs deep. He slowly turns back with a faint smile on his face*

I promised to go with her to see the doctor the following day, to get the morning after pills. I owed her at least that much and how could let her carry the responsibility alone, my sweet Purpelz... We went to her place, I took a shower and tucked her in. The sweet thing fell asleep, almost instantly. She said earlier, that the best thing was when she woke up next to me, when I was still there after the first morning. I wrote her a note, telling her I was sorry I couldn't be there with her and I left my flight jacket as an extra blanket to her. I came back to the Arazu, sleeping next to Kimochi.

*A soft puffing sound carries over to the cameras audio recorder. Vincent turns around to look over his shoulder again. He watches for a while and then turns back.*

Next day was when shit really hit the fan... I left from the Razu with relative haste, I made Kimmy breakfast but didn't really stick around myself. I head over to Purpelz. Made her a quick breakfast while she was getting ready. Afterwards we left to see the doctor. It meant a lot to Purpelz that I was there with her, it was fairly fast and painless to get prescription for the morning pills but never the less it really struck a chord with her that I was there with her.

*Running his hand through his hair Vincent takes another swig from the absinthe bottle*

I went over to her place after, she wasn't feeling to good. I guess the nausea was an after effect of the pills or something... I tended to her, I made her dinner and served it to her in bed. Helped her organize her new flat a little and just was there next to her, making sure that she was alright. I left in the evening to have a drink at the 'Hook. I bumped to Newt there. The poor bastard had rigged his pod to keep him in a buzz... The end result was him ramming his Hulk accidentally to an outpost of his corp. He got fired that same day it seems.

*Vincent lays his head on his hands and shakes his head softly*

Anyway, I hadn't been sleeping last few days at all and my medication has been acting up lately. I wasn't in the best of conditions to begin with. Kimmy came to me, she tried to be supportive and nurturing but it only made everything worse. What I had done behind her back, and the fact that it was her touch that had started to feel strange. I was falling for Kelsy. What were my feelings for Kimochi been then? I care for her still but... Was it truly love I felt for her if my affections are so fickle. I felt so distant to her at times. Ironically my affections had started fading when hers it seems had become more stronger. I said to her "I love you" to her many times, but did I really mean or did I just want to make her feel good with me? I feel so different with Kelsy, I feel my heart skipping a beat when I see her, and when I have her scent it feels like the world is standing still and I feel warm inside. I haven't said her anything nearly as powerful as "love you". Still she craves for me, wants me and makes me feel loved. I feel my feelings requited with her... Anyway my point is, It all came crashing down then and there that night. Kelsy walked in and I panicked. All the turmoil of emotions overwhelmed me. The medication didn't help at all, they just flowed like tsunami at the beach of Caldari Prime. If anything it made the thing worse, I was out of control, my mind was hazy and I was in a drowse. Kimochi confronted me about my strange behaviour of late... I could have lied to her, dissolved the situation right then and there. And told her that my feelings for her had faded and I had fallen for someone other, but no. I fucked up. I just said "I am sorry" to Kimochi.. left her sitting there and went over to Kelsy... And kissed her in front of Kimochi. I know now that I shattered something inside Kimmy then, she didn't say anything - she just walked out calmly.

*Vincent toys with the broken pipette for a moment, the instrument looks like it has been smashed to in a fit of rage. He looks at it and drops it down to a bin next to him.*

I didn't even realise how bad at the moment or after it. Not until Ethan set me straight tonight... I hadn't realised how bad until that moment when I saw the calm rage in his eyes and heard the disappointment and anger in his voice... He was right, no one should go through what I put Kimochi through then. Even he is mostly unaware of all the factors and shit that has happened that drove me to behave in such a way, he still is right. And I need to fix things, much as I can, but nothing will change the fact of what I did that night. It was because I couldn't control myself, because I was weak and drugged my mind to hell and back reassuring that it was better that way, that I needed it. Myrhial's contact came through recently, offering few options... As much as I am afraid and hate to put my life into a complete strangers hands, I need to do it. I can't fix anything in this state I'm in now - I need help. I wish I had a mental survival kit, alas I don't. I've decided that I head over to Goinard so they can work their magic on me and hopefully help me. I will resign of active duty until my situation has stabilized... I will inform Myrhial tomorrow. I'm not fit to conduct any official business until shit gets sorted out.

*Vincent gets up and the camera follows him walking slowly towards the bed where there is a silhouette of someone sleeping peacefully*

As much as I loathe myself of how I made my choice, I am sure that I made the right one. What I have fucked up in life, I will make up with her. She's the last beautiful thing in my life, and I will make sure that she is happy. For all my failings she still lies there sleeping softly. I will make things right again, as much as I can.

*The camera pans over to the bed, showing Kelsy sleeping peacefully on his bed. Tucked under a blanket and wearing Vincent's MXD shirt. He sits next to her gently brushing her hair.*

I didn't plan this to go this way, I didn't want to hurt anyone. Blinded by my own failings and addictions - I ended up hurting everyone and hurting the Family as whole. I made us all Mizerable.

*Vincent picks up the camera drone in his hands and looks at it like looking someone in the eyes*

Kimochi, I am sorry. I truly am. I'm afraid no matter how hard I try... My feelings will never reach you... I'll put them in a sigh. Maybe the wind will carry them to you some day. I am so sorry.

*He closes his eyes and sighs deep once. The feed cuts shortly after.*

Coma White

2009-04-10T01:02:00.007+03:00

*Vincent is sitting on a black suede couch leaning forward towards his table. Camera number 4 activates showing him working on his gun, the Gistior Custom AR 45 - or as he knows it Castiel, cleaning the barrel with a brush. Vincent is wearing his worn out MXD shirt and black sweat pants, his hair looks greasy and it hangs on his face. A black mat pipette is resting on the table next to his gun parts.*

So, I made new friends few days ago. Turns out the smug bitch ain't that bad after all. She taught me about some Achuran customs about drinking. And the booze was good too. What was it called... Soju? I think, yeah.

*He inspects the magazine of the gun, staring it a while he picks up one bullet from the table*

Ironic all it took properly to get acquainted with her was one of these Hail hollow points. I had to relieve her cousin of his kneecap. Stupid brat just wouldn't listen. I tried saying politely, then roughly , then I threw his sorry as to the ground and the dumb fuck just wouldn't listen.

*Vince leans back and inserts the bullet into the clip. His eyes have a strong yellow tint as he looks to the camera briefly.*

Eventually I stepped out and told him he would lose his leg if he were to step outside the Hook. Snap, crackle, pop. Now he has a prostethic kneecap. Well the kid wasn't too smart to begin with it, coming to challenge Aria to a duel. In her territory. Surrounded by her employees, who happen to be working for the fucking Angel Cartel. Well he paid for his stupidity. We'll see if he actually learned anything.

*He leans towards the coffee table and starts reassembling his handgun.*

As I said I befriended Aria. She actually appreciated my sensibility to calm his cousin. She didn't even mind my tactic of doin' it. Still don't get why Vaden bottled his blood. Weird shit.

*Vince picks up the pipette from the table and leans back. He drops a few drops to both of his eyes and shivers a little, then closing his eyes.*

Not onl have I had to increase the dosage and intervals when I need to take this... I found myself taking it purely to escape reality. The euphoria is so strong when overdosed. I don't have to think about anything that's goes on. Not Kelsy, not Kimmy and not Reneés funeral...

*Vincent drops more of the clear yellow liquid in to his eyes*

I was at Sinq Laison few days. It was weird to see my folks, I haven't seen them for a while. Not since I joined WWES. They couldn't accept my working for an amarr holder, not speak of my career with the Ministry of Internal Order.

*Vincent sighs deep*

And now that I am an Angel... I got disowned and told I wasn't wanted at the funeral. I still plan to take part though, I don't give a shit.

*Picking up the pipette once more he sighs and after a while he he fades into a state of coma white bliss*

Tainted Love

2009-04-07T19:07:00.007+03:00

*Camera feed shows Vincent laying on grass, his black dress shirt open revealing his bare chest and the 'love-bites' around his neck and body. He has his casual black SWAT army pants on, his hand resting on the belt buckle depicting the Angel Cartel logo. His black army boots covered in a faint dirt. He uses a pipette to drop something in his eyes, he shudders with ecstasy as the substance kicks in.*

I tasted a piece of heaven and the price tag is an eternity in hell.

*He sighs deep, slowly shifting around letting his hand move around his body*

I got caught in a Purple Haze and my mind is still high on the flames. I'm still lost in that haze. I can't even do an entry typing, so I thought I'd calm myself over at the bio dome with a camera drone.

*The camera spins around showing a magnificent view of the bio dome and the station city light behind it. Vincent's laying near a steep cliff. He picks up a berry that looks like a blackcurrant and slowly puts it in his mouth, closing his eyes as he bites into it.*

It was so wrong, but it felt-, feels, so good. And even now I can still taste her in my mouth, feel her on my skin. Feel her on mine, heads and tails- the whole fucking package. And it tears me apart. I love Kimochi, but when she's not around I lust for Purpelz.

*He shakes his head softly*

How can I say I love Kimochi when I so lust another woman. Her ex too now ain't that fucking plot from a bad erotic novel. The turmoil of emotions is driving me insane. The strife between Lust and Love -Guilt and Desire.

*Vincent runs his hand through his hair and looks torn between pleasure and anxiety*

As an icing on the cake, for good and for worse, I was the one to deflower her. In my throes of lust and desire I took her innocence, not that she resisted - she after all seduced me. Not that I resisted her. I was the first man to lay her down and make her my own. There is something that will bind us together in someway forever. Sure she's been with women but this is different, or I'm just old fashioned that way. It was intoxicating, her scent still in my nostrils. Her breath on my skin. Her lips on me and mine - It was her first time with that too. For a first timer, wow, she gave the best head I've ever had.

*Vince lets his hand caress himself on top of his pants as he is lost in a memory of a passion past. After a short while his expression turns to a penitent one*

I know it's wrong, and when I momentarily am clear of the haze I know that, it's like wrenching feeling inside me. Like fingers in my eyes and needles in my veins. I loathe myself. I don't have love for Kelsy, not the kind I have for Kimochi. Why do I then lust for Kelsy so much? Why did I slip and slept in the fire?

*He withers to a fetal position and a few tears fall down his cheek*

Is it wrong so wrong to want, if only for a moment in time, time to feel wanted, desired and cared for? For a brief moment we were one and there was no care in the world. There was only me and her. There was nothing else, a moment of perfect unity and unconditioned... Love. Then, I think of Kimochi and all that turns to a painful nightmare. The reality sets in, Kelsy's scent turns rancid, her touch acid and her kisses to cigarette burns. What I've done in my moment weakness and selfishness? We decided to keep it as our secret, this way it is only me and Kelsy who get hurt. Kimmy must never know of us - Purpelz and me - of our Tainted Love.

*Vincent picks up the pipette again and drops a clear yellow liquid to his eyes once more. He shivers and his consciousness begins to purge itself from his mind and only euphoria remains in his gleaming eyes as the camera closes in on him, a yellow tint in his eyes looking like a pair wings. The feed cuts shortly after.*

Putting Holes In Happiness

2009-04-06T03:34:00.005+03:00

Fuck, I don't even know what day it is.

Funny I mentioned last time I scribbled that I was living in the hurricane years. I'm soon qualified to fly my Hurricane class battlecruiser, but that's beside the point. Some crazy shit has happened.

Firstly, I completed the research I was doing on the men that ...Attacked Kimochi. It took me time and resources but I have them all listed now, where they live and what's they're schedule. I was planning on waiting for the proper time before I'd present this to Kimmy. Fate had other plans. I went to The Skyhook at the same night, needed some unwinding. I was surprised to see Kyoko Sakoda, a prominent member of Veto Corp and the fiancee of Ethan Verone, there. She was there to seek some private time away from Ethan and their possible marriage plans. Imagine that, Ethan retiring to a quiet life.

I joined Kyoko and another lady who was with her whom I came to know by the name of Jekaterina of Star Fraction. Very interesting personalities. I had no idea that Kyoko had once been the Nephilim of Ghost Festival. Learn something new everyday I guess. Didn't go to specifics why she wasn't one anymore, wasn't really my place to ask. I offered to buy the night for the ladies and we headed over to a near by booth. Mainly talking about Kyokos situation and pondering about the things she wasn't too sure about. Kyoko seemed a cool if somewhat reserved.

Kimochi came to the Hook some hour after us. She looked a bit beat and disappointed due to the op we had, it didn't as intended so it brought her down a bit, among other things. She head to her table, must've not noticed us. I excused myself and went to get her to join us. I managed to persuade her to join us. I fetched her a gin on the rocks and sat down next to her. She actually leaned on me, a public display of affection. I didn't expect that but I was more than happy to receive it.

Eventually Jekaterina and Kyoko left, leaving me and Kimmy alone. She asked me what was bothering me. She said I had been acting a bit weird ever since she told me about the incident. I didn't want to have her have the impression of why I had been a little reclusive. I gave her the data crystal and told her what was on it and what it was for. It was for closure. She was hesitant to accept it. I told her that I would slay them for hurting her, everyone who had been in touch with those three men. She wasn't as happy about this I had hoped her to be. I must've been rude, she must want in on the revenge or maybe this wasn't the closure she was looking. I gave her the data crystal and told her, if she'd want to we could use that knowledge to bring closure or if she didn't wish to go through with it, smash the crystal. She said she needed sometime to think about it and left pretty much soon after that.

I noticed Kelsy and Celia by the counter. As I had no company in the 'Hook I thought what hell and headed over there. I tried to make some sort of conversation but Kelsy gave me some attitude. I asked her why the fuck was she giving shit. We decided to continue the talk in the boardroom.

Turns out her rage towards me was justified. The thing between Kelsy and Kimmy... It was more than just fuck buddies, at least on Kelsy's side. Boy do I feel like shit now. I'd never have probably pressed on so hard with Kimochi had I known. I sat there next to her trying to comfort her. She was so sad, so broken. I couldn't leave her just be there alone.

She was a mess, her eyes were red and her make up was all over her face. I took her out via our common room. The least I could do is spare her the inquiry and prying eyes that waited in the Hook. I offered to take her a walk to clear her head, I suggested the bio dome in the station. She agreed, despite me probably being the last person she'd want to be it. Again I was wrong on that too but more of that later. We talked very little as we walked towards the bio dome.

As we arrived there I offered to show her the spot where I usually come to get away from all of the everyday crap. We climbed up the hill to the spot. One can see the whole of the dome and station city lights from there. The sight is mesmerizing. Come to think of it she's the first one I've ever brought there. She was still so very sad. I remembered she liked blackcurrant juice, so went and got her the next best thing I could on a short notice. I went to the garden and stole some fresh blackcurrants for her. That seemed to cheer her up a little. It was almost morning, so I offered her a place to sleep since my place wasn't too far. She accepted it. I took her down using my "surfboard" The old "Danger steep ledge" sign. She was trying to say soemthing in protest but I cought her on my lap and down we went. She was half scared to death when we finally got down, but I could see she enjoyed the ride.

She had the usual reaction to my living in the 'Razu. We chatted a bit but decided to hit the sack pretty soon. Same deal as with Celia, she slept on the left I on the right. I loaned my MXD shirt her to use something more comfy than the dress she wore at the Hook. Damn she looked good in that.

The following morning. Oh wow. This is where shit gets really interesting. I decided hey what the hell I'll make her break fest. Blackcurrant pancakes and coffee. We were sitting at the break fest table talking, she started to sink in her thoughts. I beeped her nose with my finger trying to cheer her up. It worked gave her a good tickle too. We fell down to the floor and I landed on top of her. She felt so warm. We had a chuckle about it and she teased me a bit. We got up and had a laugh about it. She started get ready to leave and started putting on make up. She ended up putting make up on me and dressing me in her dress, she took an incriminating picture of "Valerie Pryce". I tried to take the camera and delete the picture, I tripped and ended up bumping to her accidentally kissing her. That was awkward as hell. Gladly she put it on me being clumsy. It is bloody hard to move around in a tight dress. I went to wash the make up off after the blunder.

Since time had passed on and it was after noon already I offered to make her dinner since he was there and she'd mention her reluctance to got to her place. The place was an altar to Kimmy by what she described, no wonder she didn't wanna go there. I made her some filet mignon and some other stuff I had in the fridge. She did enjoy my cooking a lot. She wanted to do the dishes to thank me but she was my guest and I would not have her dirty her hands while my guest. I ended up carrying her by the waist back to the living room. I fell back on the bed holding her on me making her swear not to do the dishes. She first tried squirming on her back on my but eventually gave in to my demands. I went get some ice cream for dessert I quickly mashed the rest of the blackcurrants into a jam and covered the ice cream with it. We sat on the bed chatting about nonsensical stuff. She asked why I suddenly fell so quiet and she in turn beeped my nose. I told her about Seyllin and what had happened. I couldn't help but cry when I thought about Reneé. She held me in her arms as I cried. It felt so good just to be held then. I broke the contact and apologised my emotional burst and lay my hand on hers. Before I realised it she had turned her hand around and was now holding my hand and squeezing it softly. I squeezed it back softly and turned to her. I leaned towards her. I was meant to tell her that I was sorry and... Then... I kissed her. Softly on her lips, and she kissed me back. She climbed on my lap and kissed me again. I couldn't help myself but to kiss her back, she tasted so sweet and she was gentle. We started kissing more passionately, until... I voice in my head screamed "Stop for Heavens sake, STOP!". And then I realised what I was doing, I was kissing another woman. She was not Kimmy she was Pur- Kelsy. I stopped us from letting it escalating. The mood died down and she left soon after that. I was left alone, wiping off her purple lipstick. Thinking, what have I done? I'm glad, that were sober. Gods help us if we would have been drunk. I just wanted to feel wanted, desired and held with tender care. In the end it would have been putting holes in happiness if it would have escalated.

A Toccata Into Blood Soaked Darkness

2009-03-26T17:46:00.002+02:00

26.3.111

...

It's been a while since my last update. I've been busy so I've ended up neglecting the journal... Well time to update again in case of any complications appear...

Few nights back... I had a talk with Kimochi. About her giving me the cold shoulder. I confronted her bit harshly too I guess. I dunno the pressure of these days has been getting to me I guess... She first wanted to know what was troubling me. I told her about Seyllin and what had happened there. I broke down... And she held me.

Then I confronted her about why she keeps treating me like the way she does. Turns out the reason she's been acting as she has is much more sinister than of her just toying with me... Much more...

Yet, out of something so vile she drew courage and strength. I had her talk about it, she was so vulnerable in my arms. I had never seen her like that before. Not ever. She was like a wounded sparrow with an arrow piercing her wing. Shivering and afraid on my lap. She told me all about it weeping silently and crying aloud in turns. I held her and comforted her. She pressed herself against me. She did not want to spent the night alone, she asked if she could stay with me through the night. I smiled to her and I slowly whispered "Of course. I love you Kimochi... I will keep you safe". Then she looked me in the eyes an said to me something I was beginning to doubt I'd ever hear. She said with a quivering voice "I love you too" and buried her head into my chest.

I held her and spoke her the words of comfort but ever since my soul has burned with rage. How could those monsters do this to her? How could they hurt her so? They may be dead but I will slaughter their family, their friends... Anyone who's been in contact with them. I will kill them all, slowly. I will erase them from the existence. I will strike upon them with great vengeance and furious anger whom have played a part in this tragedy. I will descend upon them like an Angel from Heaven. Anyone who shares the blood of those monsters shall perish. Women, children, elderly and the sickly. Everyone. For I am Death, the destroyer of worlds, and this is my toccata into blood soaked darkness.

Hurricane Years

2009-03-21T21:56:00.003+02:00

22.3.111

Oh wow...

How can so much happen in so little time?

After being saved from the wreck that was my Arazu some crazy shit has happened. I mean seriously, makes my head spin - or I'm just hung over, can't really tell.

Not soon after I got my consciousness back at the ICU in Tzvi station. I questioned Aria Jenneth's loyalty to the Cartel in an open venue. Sure I was doped but fuck, she makes me wonder. Not the smartest move I made, but I spoke how I felt. She's speaking like a provist on the IGS. I have little love for the Federation anymore but I will not submit under the yoke of a provist fuck. No matter who the provist is. I made my voice heard. Yeah, I know this will bite me in the ass later, no doubt. Many things have and I'm still alive motherfuckers.

I guess that's what me and Andreus have had always in common, we're very vocal about our opinions, even if it backfires on us occasionally. Speaking of Andreus, he's reformed Mixed Metaphor. He asked me to join him... To fight the good fight again. I'm afraid it's too late for me now to do that anymore. I burned that bridge by joining Ghost Festival and the Angel Cartel. Besides the Festival is my family now. I'm sorry old friend, but I can't join you this time.

Family... I lost mine at Seyllin but I have a new one with PRETA. When I think of them it brings a smile on my face. A sense of belonging even for all my faults and flaws. Heaven knows I'm not the easiest guy to work with but still Myrhial has helped me out with my problems despite my failings to follow decorum and procedure. She is like an understanding big sister, given I'm older than her, but still. Milo is like the troubled little brother. Kosh is the cool but levelheaded big brother. Kelsy reminds me of the distant hot cousin type. Tekou and Seppu remind me sometimes of mischievous nephews. Zukko, the Z-man is like the awesome brother in law that you like to pass the time with drinking and talking about women. Yishal too is like a sister. She's much more fragile and gentle inside than her cold stern core lets through. I enjoyed that she came out to the party with us. I gotta admit it, as much as I do not like Aria, the family wouldn't be whole with out her. Aria's like the scary aunt and when she's around whom no one can feel at ease. Now about Kimochi and Celia... There's an interesting pair. I've fallen in love with Kimochi. Deeply so, but she can be so distant at times and brush me off like dust of her jacket and it confuses the shit out of me. Oddly enough I have found my self thinking more and more about Celia. She really intrigues me. Like the other night we were walking back from the 'Hook. She escorted me to the sick bay. I dunno what happened but I managed to trip over. She caught me and helped me up. As we arrived to the sickbay I asked her to stay for a bit. After all that had happened I didn't want be alone. She said she'd stay for a bit which was good enough for me. I teased her a little, what was it that I said "You got a soft center under that hard shell, like all the best candy". Turns out she stayed there through the night. Watching over me.

Well for all the turmoil and tragedy has been going on. Last night was a good break from all the shit from Seyllin and stuff. The Nihil sisters were hosting a party at the Three Sisters. Well it turned out that the party was at the Laguna mostly, the lower section of Three Sisters. So it was more like a hot tub and pool party. It was truly weird yet very nice to see capsuleers from all walks of life, together, and having fun. It was quiet at first when I arrived. Not soonafter the party livened up. Especially after Sakura got a bit more than tipsy and demanded that we move to the pool area. For a while I was the only guy surrounded by a group of beautiful women in a hot tub. I call that moment win.

I was very surprised when Ethan Verone came in. Even more so when served us champagne. My reality took a spin when a man of his stature got into the pool and started chatting with us. I was a bit star struck I think. I mean he is the Original Gankster. Sure it's kinda inappropriate to look up to someone who registers as KOS in your database. But dear diary, when I have ever behaved appropriately? Yeah, that's what I thought.

As the night went on more people started to show up. To my surprise Yishal showed up and hell even Jenneth appeared. The more liberal ladies came up with the plan to have this eye candy event for them by lining us guys in a row and make us do all kinda silly stuff. Well I was kinda drunk by then. I started shaking up my moneymaker and did a flare at the end of my show, too bad I lost balance and fell face first to the pool. I'm no Zukko in flares that's for sure. Well it worked I guess. I'm not sure what Milo did but we tied so we had a tie breaker. So I kicked things up a bit. I started doing lap dances around the "audience" gave one for Celia, Akusa, Kimmy , Yishal and I topped the show by giving one to Verone. He was a good sport about it and even voted for me. Good times. I won the tiebreaker and and my prize was a hot Khanid sandwich hug from Yishal and Kimmy. I got a deep kiss from Kimmy and a hug from Yishal. I pressed Yishal against me. She wasn't clearly used to it and it I guess upset her a little. She manged to keep her cool though. I apologized to her, she said it was nothing but she left soon after. I feel bad about upsetting her. At this point more people started pouring in. I think I saw Stitcher and a few other familiar faces around. Well, I was getting too drunk by then for my own good so I decided to leave the party. So did Kimochi, I asked her if I could walk her to her place. She brushed me off like I wasn't there and that bothers me to be honest. Otherwise a perfect night.

So much turmoil going on emotionally inside of me, been like this for the past few years... It feels like I'm living in the Hurricane Years.

I crashed on Tvaishks place for the night since we were in Jel. Was good chatting with him this morning. He's doing well and offered to supply me with frigate sized advanced neutron blasters. He has his own business now. The Long Night Industries. Hmm, I might be able to fix us deal or two with him. The topic of MXD came up and Tvaishk mentioned about possibly joining Andreus when he has finalized some of his current orders and contracts. Mixed Metaphor... Tricky linguistics and good times.

Seyllin

2009-03-17T19:52:00.001+02:00

10.3.111

Reneé...

The Ceremony & The Candlelight Fantasia

2009-03-16T16:51:00.008+02:00

8.3.111 Continued

The Ceremony

Everything was highly formal, brought back the day of my graduation at the Navy Academy. I wore my old Federation Navy dress uniform. I replaced the old Federation insignias with PRETA ones, gladly they matched the colour scheme.

Me, Celia and Zukko got a promotion. Zukko was made Lieutenant and me and Celia were promoted to Lieutenant, Junior Grade. I guess I'm now officially a part of the family. I even got high praise from Commander Yishal. I did also receive the honorary medal, The Fury of the Angel. I felt very distinguished when I got that, for a pilot only a month and then some in the corp that means a lot to get recognized officially as a decent pilot among his superiors.

We then moved onto the surprise section for the night. I came up with the idea of getting 1 year anniversary gifts to Myrhial and Kimmy. Yishal set the ball rolling for fundraising. I arranged for the Myr-grim, that's the nick name we affectionately call Myrh's Pilgrim, and the Sacrilege for Kimmy to be brought to base. I hope someone got a camera drone taking a picture of their faces when the ships were revealed. It seems also that the Dominations were highly appreciative of Myrhials work with the Festival. They presented her with the capsuleer specked Big Mac. She almost fell of her feet when she saw the Machariel warp in and as Yishal told it was for her from the Cartel. Well it was time for the festivities afterwards, I returned to my 'Razu to prepare the dinner.

The Candlelight Fantasia

Everything was set. I had prepared the three course meal for her. Time to go pick up the lady herself.

I stopped by the old Ni-Kunni lady's flower shop again. I think she likes me despite my choice of career and lifestyle. At least, if not anything else, she appreciates my flair for romance and taste in flowers.

I finally arrived to her apartment, checked I was good. Zipper closed and shirt tucked in. I was set to go. I pressed the buzzer and not long there she was, beautiful as ever. Dressed in that evening gown... oh wow my heart skipped a beat. I handed her the rose and soon we were off to my place. She was a little amazed when we took a turn towards the docking bay instead of the other part of housing accommodations. Needless to say she was more than a little surprised when she found out where I actually live. I had the Arazu cleaned, and redecorated. I had red and black silk veils on the walls and covering the antimatter rounds. In the middle of the hold was the table set for two and the romantic music started playing as the candles lit. Despite it being the hold of an Arazu, I think she was impressed.

We sat down and I poured her a glass of Luminaire red and brought in the appetizers, goat cheese bruschettas. I decided to go all out traditional gallentean menu. Main course was Chateaubriand with all the traditional gallentean flavours at the side. She asked me where I'd learn to cook and I told her about my schooling as a a la carte chef. Also told her about my dream to have my own little restaurant someday on the Crystal Boulevard in Caille. Mentioned I was going to go meet my brother in a few days at his new post in Essence, Seyllin the system was called I think. The dessert was Rouvenor strawberry cake. As I served her the cake I told her the story behind the recipe, much like my grandfather had told it to me in his time. The Pryce family recipe for the cake was inherited from our ancestor who was allegedly the main chef in King Rouvenors court, and that this specific dish was his favourite. Not sure about authenticity of the story is but it has a certain romantic flair to it which is enough for me to hold it close to my heart. She was indeed impressed by all my efforts to make the night memorable. I asked her to share a dance with me. I had a voice command "To dance with an Angel under the starlit skies is more than any man could dream of" to activate the holoprojector and change the settings on the gravity plates. As she took my hand we began ascending higher, and the roof looked like the night sky over my grandfathers vineyard in Luminaire. I held her close to me and we danced under the stars. She noticed we were up in the air, she pressed herself against as she was a little afraid. I reassured that nothing bad would happen to her as long as I would be around. She held me tight and kissed me deep. I kicked momentum from one of the crates and we were gliding across the air in a gentle pirouette. I said the voice command "As we spread our wings and fly to the stars. I will carry down when your wings get weary of the flight. Please love, rest and be not scared. I will hold you through the night. " and we began to descent slowly.

We had a few drinks and she asked if she could stay over the night. We kissed and held each other till we fell asleep. I watched her sleep a bit before falling asleep myself. She was so relaxed, so beautiful. Perfect end for a perfect day.

Might As Well Be On Mars

2009-03-08T17:32:00.006+02:00

8.3.111

Ok, last night was weird again, fun mostly but fuck, what is up with that woman?...

Anyway we had our weekly op last night, despite loosing Gusts Condor we racked a nice set of kills. It's cool to have Gust back, don't know him too well per se but seems like cool and more importantly a very competent pilot. I only met him briefly when I first joined PRETA.

We decided to head to the 'Hook after the op, it has almost become like a tradition. Me, Myrh, Milo and Celia were discussing the op and all agreed that this was successful run, yet again. Not long into the night Newt entered the Hook too. That was a nice surprise. Seeing him more and has been good. Making sure first that it was OK with everyone if I invited Newt to join us I tapped him a neocom message. He was lost in his thoughts pretty bad, something was clearly bothering him. After some chit chat I squeezed him a bit to tell what's going on. Seems that he had gone postal in a church after someone had referred to him as property. So much for peace and loving from the Amarr God. I never knew he had this dark side. In the end we all do. I guess this manifested first in him when he took down Caine. Didn't see it then and I kinda blame myself for it. Not that I care about the amarr that were consumed by his rage. No, it's him I'm worried about. He is my brother, if not by blood then in spirit, after all.

Eventually Milo head to bed and Myrh had some official work for today to do. It was Newt, Celia and me left. I came up with the idea of truth or dare. Bottle of Vodka and a shot per question. Too bad Newt had to leave before we could start properly. On a side note, Celia was feeling social and offered Newt a cig. Well then it was just me and Celia, I went first and she asked me truth. She wanted know when I killed the first time. I told her about the days when I was fresh ensign in the Federation Navy and we were countering a Serpentis raid to the Federation borders. I did kill for the first time, a booster addict wearing Serpentis colours. She was no more than 20 and I was barely turned 19. Bang! Caught her in the left eye by a lucky shot. The Navy wanted to show us the casualties of war and record confirmed kills so we would avoid armed confrontation to the last. Well it backfired a bit I guess.

I asked her about the reason why she came to the PRETA. Her reason resembled somewhat mine. The brutal honesty of Angel style business. Anyways we had a few rounds of that, then Kimochi joined us. It was weird, she was like nothing had happened. Hmh, well she joined us. And first truth to her was her first time drunk. Age 15 in the academy. I always imagined you'd get beheaded for doing things like that in the Royal Khanid Navy. It was my turn again next, she wanted to know if Andreus had ever tried seducing me. Sorry to disappoint her but we were, and still are, friends and only friends. So not even a peck on the cheek. I did give her a bit stingy comeback for that but I hope she didn't mind. Well we gave her the 'Why PRETA?' treatment too. She reared her darker side, seems she likes to toy with people and fuck them over... Makes me wonder if this what Eran and Celia were talking about and warning me the other night. I gotta harden the fuck up around her I guess, could end up hurt very badly. Was my turn yet again. Celia asked about by first love, I panicked. I panicked bad. At that moment realised even though I'd had my share of flings and petty romances. Kimochi was the first I had fallen in love with. That would explain why I can't maintain my composure around her.... I tried to make up a story but failed horribly I guess, I was starting to be drunk and the last of my cool was gone. I think both of them realised that Kimmy's my first... love.

She seemed so distant the whole night. Kinda bothers me a bit. Anyways, we decided to dare her and had her sing us a song. She sang us a gallentean pop song in Khanid. 'Twas very interesting, like a whole new song. Indeed she has a beautiful voice. I was starting to be so pissed that I decided do some karaoke... I rocked out a old gallentean rock tune to her. And fuck me... I guess I over did it again, she was gone before the song ended I think. Zukko who'd joined Celia in the meantime said she'd just stormed out. Well fuck me, sometimes it feels I might as well be on Mars. So fucking hard it's to make a any sense of her or get close to her. Last night she was loving me and now she just fucking stormed out. Ok, yeah maybe my gallentean flair was a bit too much. Anyway the mood died at that moment for me in the 'Hook and I though "fuck it I'm a head to the 'Razu get wasted properly and rock out my frustrations". I asked if Celia or Zukko wanted join me, Zukko passed but for my surprise Celia joined me. Yeah we head to the 'Razu and had a few drinks. She seemed like she actually was enjoying herself and was relaxed. She spent night over my place. Wasn't gonna make her walk over to her place in the little hours of then night when she was already almost passing out on to the couch. We passed out on the bed pretty much the same time. Her on the left side and me on the right side. She really seemed she was at ease when she fell asleep.

She left a while back to back to her place. And I better start get ready for tonight's ceremony and clean the place up. We're having dinner with Kimmy tonight, we'll see what happens...

This Maniac's In Love With You

2009-03-08T00:23:00.003+02:00

+Auto Recording Activated Hangar Camera 15 Recording+

Soft music starts playing in the hangar of his Arazu which he has also made his personal living quarters. Vincent starts dancing as the lights come on. Every movement complimenting the following step he flows with the music. He starts humming and breaks into song maintaining the perfect pitch as it echoes in the hangar. Ending his spur of dance with a pirouette he lets himself fall on the sofa behind him. The soft music is interrupted briefly by a scream of joy. "Yes, oh heavens, YES!".

Vincent lays on the sofa swinging his left foot to the music, loosening his black tie. "She kissed me. I got kissed by an Angel under the starlit sky." Me closes his eyes and tastes his lips "So this is what heaven tastes like" after a small pause he continues "Like strawberries".

Vincent looks to the camera in the corner "Oh damn, forgot about that. Aura, cut video recording, resume audio dictation."

+Video link terminated, Audio recording on+

Continue Pryce personal log.

So yeah, I went to return Kimmys jacket to her tonight. I dressed up sharp, didn't wanna go all humpty dumpty there. I was walking there and I saw this vendor selling red roses, reminded me about her rosy lips. I was sure that my chances with her were gone, dead and buried. Still I though what hell, once more with feeling and rose to end the romance.

I finally arrived to her apartment. I must've stood for ages there holding the rose and staring the buzzer. I took a deep breath and I finally had the courage to press it. The door opened felt like an eternity. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to rip out through my chest. And then. There she was, dressed in that red shirt and black leather pants. Oh, she was so beautiful, I felt my knees go weak. I could barely stand. Then she said something and I came to. I stuttered and stumbled. Why on earth I do that around her? I have no idea. She just makes me loose all my cool and composure.

Well I handed her the rose and babbled something incoherent about it. She asked me to step inside and take a seat. She offered me a drink, gin on the rocks. Never really tried that one, was good. We tried small talk but she noticed I was bit tense - no wonder - I must've shaken like an unstabbed autocannon. Well she eventually got me talking about all of it. I first told her I was sorry about what had happened and I didn't mean to step the over the line. She apologised as well that he'd left me like that. I was amazed, she apologising to me? Why on earth? She felt indeed bad about it. Then she asked me why I had done what I did. I couldn't keep a lid on it, it just came out like a flood. So I told her that this maniacs in love with her. About how it felt like when I first saw it'd been like she'd gate camped my heart, didn't know what hit me but I was done for. And then... She kissed me.

It was more than I could've ever hoped for.

She said that she couldn't be involved in anything major right now, she had some shit she needs to deal with. And it seems Cer exaggerated things a bit. And seems she and Kelsy were more like 'friends with benefits' than lovers. But there's something else, maybe she'll tell me about it later. I told her there is no pressure, no rush for anything. I asked if just could kiss her one more time...

And she let me and I did.

We decided to take it slow, first with a simple dinner. This Sunday after the ceremony, I'm going to cook for her. Aww... crap I gotta clean this place up... Anyway. We talked some more. She asked what drew me to her. She was expecting it to be her ass or cleavage, no complaints on that department, but no it wasn't that. It was her lips and her cheeks, and how she smiles. Not to mention the eyes one could drown in and her voice so beautiful. She even said that I wasn't half bad myself, I ... it meant a lot to me.

Then she gave me the longest, dreamiest kiss.

She then said she was sorry and couldn't help herself. I answered something as 'clever' as I don't mind... She then leaned on me. And we sat there in to the evening I guess we both dozed off leaning on each others. I woke up at some point of the night and carried her on to the bed. She is so beautiful when she sleeps. And I tucked her in with my leather jacket and left for home. I stopped by the Hook.

I think I danced the whole way home, and now I'm here. First time in a while, I'm happy. I will the most of it while it lasts. I love her so much and I... I ... think she likes me too.

+Audio log off+

It Rained All Night

2009-03-05T18:35:00.004+02:00

5.3.111

Wow, last night was... This has not been my year.

I went to the Hook last night after gotten ambushed by TLF with Yishal. Lost rax but I managed to take down a Rupture from the ambushing squad. Too bad Yishal lost her Arbitrator. There hit a wave of confusion and comms failure and she went down. Partly because of my unclear comms... Well shit happens and no point in crying anymore when the crap is already in the pants.

I thin the only good thing is the fact that I was able talk with Yish about the incident and I think we're cool about that. One less worry in my mind. And there's a lot of 'em.

The thorax loss wan't what really "made my day", no it was something far more intresting. I learned one of the reasons why Kimm- Kimochi shied away from me. Heh, should have known something this was gonna happen. I was talking with Cer'ana and the topic came up, she was persistent in her inquiries. Then she told me about Kimochi and that she's involved with Kelsy and not into men I guess. Well I need to apologise to her, and I guess to Kelsy too. It really crushed me, I just started laughing at my own fate and stood up and walked away.

The laughter escaped me in the corridor and all I could feel was empty and cold. It was just too much too soon to me like Cer'ana said. Had she not come after me and held me through the worst, I'd have shot myself in the hangar of my Arazu. My brain scan is updated just yesterday, all that I would've lost would've been a bad day and 65million of implants. To be honest I don't feel too shabby even now but I've overdosed with Wings as I playfully have come to call my medication. It's numbed down the pain and released a sense of euphoria. It feels like I'm floating even though I'm just laying on the antimatter rounds.

I took a stroll in the Hasateem bio dome to ease the pain. It rained all night.

Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence

2009-02-26T03:43:00.005+02:00

25.02.111

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!

FUCK!

I fucked so bad tonight, so bad. Yishal hit a nerve and something just unhinged. I went fucking berserk. I threw a fucking fit and told her to go and fuck herself. On many occasions. Then I lost ALL control over my emotions, and I do mean all. I went from extreme to extreme. I must've looked so pathetic.

First I fuck up with Kimmy by leaping over steps. Then this. This is not my year... not at all. And all this because I forgot to inject my fucking meds. I can't believe it. I can't fucking believe it. All this just because I hadn't hooked into the pod. It normally administrates my meds daily but wow, I can't believe how stupid I am.

A stupid human mistake.

And as much as her comment stung and hurt, and it did. I could have shown some restraint. She did administered a low blow and humiliated me in front of all the Skyhook. That is something she will regret someday. Still, she can pull rank on me, only reason why I should have held back my outburst. I just feel so fucking stupid that I lost control of myself in the corridor, I mean for fucks sake that was weak. I'm just glad I had a dose with me. I could ended slumped there sobbing myself to catatonia...

Hmmh, best to turn in my Navy medical records. That might explain my behaviour a bit to them. Maybe even let slide a few infractions with lighter penalties. Anyway shit has hit the fan, again. Just my luck.

This will bite me in the ass, sooner rather than later.

Reminiscing Part I: The Ghost and The King

2009-02-24T19:37:00.008+02:00

24.02.111

An old friend of mine contacted me last night. Newtonius Rex. I was glad to hear of him, It has indeed been a while since we last had a proper chat. Most of our distance came from the usurpation of power in WWES where I played the villain in that charade and so we couldn't be seen on friendly terms for a while. I was very happy to hear of him again. It brought back many good memories.

I still remember the day we met...

We were both fresh pod pilots, and both had received the White Wolf Enterprises recruitment letter. The cluster was still big and full of opportunities. I was interested in armed conflict and he was a pure blooded industrialist. From the first time I met the guy I knew there was something special in him. We befriended each other and developed a sense of trust and understanding between us that survives even to this day. Together we set out to conquer the whole fucking universe.

Together we rose through the ranks of WWES, when I became a Howler, an proper officer in the WWES ranks, I backed him when he was asking for the promotion. Later in the year he was going through a rough patch financially, I bought him his first Covetor class barge so he could get back on his feet again.

I became the first Alpha ranking non-founding member in the corp. In a surprisingly short span of time I might add. Alpha in WWES was a step below an actual Director or Silver Fang as the proper title was. When Newt felt he was ready I backed him to the position as well. It wasn't just friend helping a friend, he's a damn good pilot in his area of expertise and has leadership material.

Then I had my first relapse since Navy service. I was out of active duty for almost two months. He had in the mean time became the first non-founder Silver Fang. I was proud of him and glad for him. He deserved his place in the director ranks. I became his right hand man and advisor after I returned to active duty. And all was well for a while again in those days.

Then... The War started.

It made the atmosphere in the corp very tense. We were a multi-racial corporation working for a better future for all of us, but it was only a very frail dream. When reality punched in the corp was torn with internal strife. I remember almost getting in to fisticuffs with a close friend of mine, Caldari by race, when the situation between our two nations worsened. More of him on another time. The corporation was fractured and torn, and it led to my eventual resignation from WWES. I wanted to defend my "beloved Federation" from the bastards invading it. I formed my own corporation, Ghost Wolves of Nouvelle Rouvenor for others of like me from WWES who wanted to defend the Federation. Anyway, I kept in contact with Newt, and he kept me updated on what happened in WWES and I tried to give my best unbiased advice.

The usurpation of power... That was an interesting event in WWES. Newt contacted me that the then CEO Caine Adamsson hadn't been seen around too much and the corporation was fucked without some serious reformations soon. I was invited to a meeting with other Alphas and Silver Fangs, I still had my rights to most Alpha communiques and services. We came up with the plan to usurp Caine and set Newt on the CEO spot, to make him the Big Bad Wolf. All this was kept as a secret from WWES employees to flush out the spies and Caine loyalists. I took the role of Adversary in the show to come. And so we put the wheels in motion. I went on to earn the trust of Caine, and indeed he named his inquisitor that'd weed out the heretics among his ranks, The Sword of Caine. Little did the poor bastard know. I did my job and I began hunting down the pilots loyal to Newt and those few Caine loyalists who stayed behind or joined me were put on note and black booked for the future. I imagine I still am on the KOS list of some Newts supporters to this date, but it was necessary at the time. Caine fell, I played my role to the bitter end and Newt became the new CEO of WWES. The plan was success. I vanished from the WWES scenes after that so that all we'd done so far would not unravel due to some unforeseen mistake.

We kept minimal contact via various different secure comms to check up on each other. All went well for a while in WWES but in the end not even our plan was enough to save the corp. There were so many things gone awry in that corp than just absent leadership. Eventually Newt resigned from the CEO position in WWES and joined LSJV. Where he lives to current date. And as I said he contacted me openly last night and we had a long chat about everything. He's doing good and amassing a small fortune in Halada's mining fleet. He asked me if I could help him get familiar with capsuleer combat and I promised to see what I could do. And I did hook him up with Milo tonight. Haven't heard how their roam went, but I hope well. Unfortunately couldn't make it, I have to double check the wiring on my Arazu. I wasn't actually clear headed when I did it. I think this is enough of reminiscing for one night. At least got my mind away from Kimmy for a little while.

Cries In the Night

2009-02-23T21:13:00.005+02:00

24.02.111

Two days now, gone past, haven't seen her. Haven't talked to her, with the exception of fleet comms last night, but I shyed away from her mostly. I imagine she doesn't even wanna talk to me, I think I stepped over a line I shouldn't have crossed. But when she asked me where the all the dancing and music, I just couldn't hold it back...

I arranged the hold of my Arazu again and again, Cleaned most of the decks myself to have something else on my mind than her. Rewired the Arazu to enhance my locking time. Still couldn't get her out of my head.

I tried working on the medication. I ended up thrashing my lab equipment in a spur of frustration, anger and pain.

I tried to succumb myself in a night of debauchery with the pleasure slaves, drugs and booze. Didn't work, all I could think of was her. The drugs didn't numb me, the liquour didn't taste as it should and even the whores... Not even the khanid ones could turn me on. I tossed them all out and set them free...

....

So there I was, stoned, wasted, half-naked and alone in the cargohold of my Arazu. Leaning on a stack of Federation issue antimatter charges, holding her leather jacket and crying myself to sleep.

Oh, gods help me...

I...

I...

I love her.

Back In Black

2009-02-22T00:33:00.008+02:00

22.04.111

+Voice recording on+

Today we had the scheduled "forceful procurement" of the week. It was a success, bloody brilliant it was. Some of the pilots we encountered were so incomprehensibly stupid in what they had chosen to fit on their ships that I just couldn't understand it. Laser Vengeance for example. Words cannot describe the shame I feel for that pilot. Abhorrent. Anyway good for us, bad for them. The operation wasn't all serious business. Our fleet commander Yishal eased up the tension of the hunt occasionally by doing imitations of a gallentean wildlife documentarist. I've not had this much fun in a while. There's a certified gallentean comedian under that tough khanid military core.

On a side note I went back to the old hairstyle. Feels more me. So here I am, back in black. The white really wasn't me. It was different though, like Kimmy said, necromaner-esque. It was me pretending to be something that I'm not, yet. Yet.

Afterwards we went to The Skyhook to relax and unwind. Maybe a bit celebration is in order, this has been one of the most successful ops we've had with the current roster. As much as I am a heavy metal pirate of the Cartel *chuckles* I do love that good old gallentean absinthe. Kinda takes out the roughness from my character, refines it I guess.

As we were toasting Milo, crashed into his seat and we had to take him over to the sick bay. To be exact Z-man and Celia took him over. Later explained that he was part in some experimental implant project. Asteri Rising was apparently Sanshanistic post humanism or something in that accordance. I decided to as k Myrh for a bit of private time later next week, I've decided to tell her about my situation.

Little after we'd toasted to the raid and the business, Milo joined us. He was a bit woozy but otherwise back in the game. After a while folks started tiring and heading over to rest. Nothing like a good rest after a successful job. Me, Zukko and Celia stayed for some chatting and killing time afterwards. Later Kimmy decided to show up too. I was happ y to see her, she was so beautiful in her pod suit, when she leaned back against the couch and opened her ponytail. I could've just died right there, she's like an angel (pardon the pun). We brought Kimmy up to speed about Milo's past and other topics. I had some commentary about my taste in drinks. Hrmh people just don't understand the finer aspects of Absinthe. Then this Cyras guys started putting the moves on Kimmy. First he mocks my choice of liquor and then he tries to make a pass at my crush. Homie don't play that game, as they say in the Mannar ghettos.

Well actually the guy wasn't half bad for a Jin-Mei. Me and Kimmy had been talking about dance club night at the The Skyhook, he suggested that we'd get one of those low gravity floors, or "low grav jobs" as he so eloquently put it. Still, not a bad idea.

As the night pressed on Celia and Kimochi both tried Absinthe. Kimmy looked like she was gonna spit it out immediately, but Celia held her liquor quite nicely. Must have been the fairy whispering to my ear but I arranged for a romantic scene and asked Kimmy to dance. It was like there was nobody else in the Hook except us and the stars.

And then I kissed her.

Bad Idea.

Bad. Fucking. Idea.

...

*Vincents voice breaks as he tries to speak at first*

She forgot her jacket at the Hook... I... I better return it to her.

+end voice recording+

Flatline and a Heartbeat

2009-02-20T01:26:00.005+02:00

20.04.111

I fucked up with the meds again. I'm no Poteque Pharmaceutics doctor, that's for sure. At least no one was killed this time... Thanks to Kimochi. She saved my life. Speaking of Kimochi. I finally got the guts to ask her out, given I did almost have to die, but I finally did. What's even better she said yes! So something good came out of this mess. Hmm, should I cook for her myself or should I take her to someplace nice. If the situation were different I'd take her to the Lovely Rose at the Crystal Boulevard...

This situation with the meds worries me. I'm clearly not a adept enough to cook the concoction I need and my access to Federation resources is cut for now. I need to get a hold of Serpentis Inquest. I just have to convince them not to poison me. This is going be a rough time, even if this new mixture produces a slight euphoric sensation. I'm not sure I should tell others of my condition. I'm not sure who they would feel about a mental case as their wingman. This new concoction has stabilized my condition better than my previous attempts, maybe I'm on the right track here...