However it was something that was needed.
'Why?' I'm sure is a question that might come to my mind if I ever end up like Hikari. Her choice to reset her mind to what it was all those years ago is a constant reminder why I should keep this journal up to date more often. I've been neglecting it too much lately.
I guess it's also good to say out loud it all, it's been on my mind quite a bit past few months.
As I said it was needed.
I didn't agree on many things that came with the allegiance to the Guristas. The fact that I couldn't act on many things like taking out the Nation where needed. Confined to observe, nothing more. It was a corporate edict, one I did not agree on any stage, despite knowing some of the reasons behind those edicts.
One of those reasons was Akora, and Ethan's faint hope to reconnect with his sister. Find her from the hordes of True Slaves by means of diplomacy. Futile attempt in my opinion, but his hands were bound by his loyalty as well, so I guess diplomacy was the only way for him.
Once a person is taken by the Nation, I've come to find that no matter your wealth and fame, if they become one of the masses it will be hard to find them again. There is a good chance that she is already and floating in space, dead among the debris of the new incursion force nation vessels. After all they were manned by the recent abductees.
Eventually when the Nation assaulted Goinard we were given the 'go' assault them and purge the constellation. I can't help but feel it was nothing but self-defence and a token gesture. Or maybe he realized that diplomacy didn't work. In the end, on that matter, it was too little too late.
I do not blame him, nor can I fault him. He is a man trying to save his sister and he needs to do it the way he sees best. I can for a certainty understand the need to re-unite and save ones sister. I know I for lost mine once, I was lucky enough to get her back. I would be lost without her.
So I realized I couldn't hold up to those edicts, and I did not wish to ever jeopardize or sabotage his efforts. I guess it then dawned on me that I needed to make a choice, but that decision did not come easy or over night.
The Nation and our edicts about interactions with the events was but one of many reasons.
There was also constant reminders that in the end I wasn't building something for myself, but building to someone else's legacy, representing someone else, upholding the name and fame of someone else. Every action I took reflected upon someone else or something else. The final straw on that came with that KorAzor lady. She was quick to drop names lest I tone down my casual flirt with some random khanid tart at the keep. Main or some such was her name, anyhow, I digress. She quickly proclaimed that she'd tattle to Ethan and I should tone done myself or I'd be reprimanded as I was somehow representing Veto and Ethan when I was at the establishment. I wasn't there representing anything or anyone. I was there as myself representing myself. I wanted to slap the smug bitch on her ass verbally but I decided to keep it civil, after all it was not my domain where I stood at the time.
But that made me realize, I was jsut an extension of someone else. Call it ambition if you will, but I wanted more. I guess in some sort of rebel yell in side me I wanted more. I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to be the Crimson Idol of a million eyes.
And so slowly I started to feel caged, like an animal. I've always been a creature of passion and instinct, never one for corporate logic and reason. So the yearning to break free and set on my own was fed once again. The fire was there but KorAzor just threw a bottle of lighter fluid in it.
I didn't resent Ethan over that. I guess someone could interpret it as such, but it's not like that. He's been a good friend and a good mentor. I guess a little too good since I wanted to step in his shoes. Be his equal, not his underling. Most of what I know about running a corporation I learnt from him.
But there was someone I do resent. Morwen Lagann. I couldn't help it. Much of it came out of unfortunate events and accidents. I'd tried forgiving her. I just couldn't. Sharing the same air made my skin crawl. Still does. Sharing the same colours, the same allegiances and I know she resents me to an equal degree. I wasn't able to trust my back on her in combat, I tired but i kept keeping a camera drone on her at all times. Our conflict was grating the corporation as well. Another drop of fuel in the fire.
In addition a handful of other smaller issues had kept adding to the fire. What had started as a spark had lit the lighter, the lighter dropped and turned to a campfire. The campfire fire now flaring as a bonfire. I saw it was best for me to make the decision and take action. To protect the community, the corporation, my friends and myself. And as such I sit here writing this entry. I made the choice. I decided to part ways with Veto Corporation.
I discussed with Hikari what had been on my mind over a long period and I told her what were my intentions. She offered her support and love for me with the intention of staying in Veto Corp and the Guristas.
My decision was not an easy one. Nor was what I did next.
I made the decision of break free of the Guristas. Despite my Omerta. I needed the backing of faction that didn't pussyfoot about and one that did not share the bed allegiance with the Nation and yet had the connections, the resources and the influence for what I planned.
So I started searching. I looked to the Empires but as the incursions raged on. I realized. What can they do? All of them are already fighting two front wars. They were spread thin, still are to date.
After a while of searching I was contacted by the SOE. But the sisters never are what they seem, and even they have an understanding with the Nation. I needed something that did not hesitate to shoot at the slave hordes, had the resources and was not engaged in a full scale war with two other sovereign empires.
If fates have a sense of humor it's most certainly a sardonic one. I found myself staring into a familiar abyss again. And heavens help me, the abyss stared me right back at me. The Abyss I was standing on the edge of?
The Angel Cartel.
They had heard of the Sisters offer, and they suspected why I was approached by the Sisters. They were right and they offered me a deal. Past transgression and history forgiven and forgotten. They didn't care about the Omerta nor did they want me to act against it. They made me an offer. One I found to be most agreeable and one I couldn't say no to. I would have their resources at my disposal if I would agree to take care of small problems tiem to time for the Dominations, problems that would be frowned upon other Cartel employees if they were to come into light and ones the loyalist organization were unwilling or even made edicts against.
That was the deal and I took it.
I do not consider myself a loyalist. I think affiliate is more suitable. It's a relationship of mutual abuse and an alliance of convenience. Most beneficial to both parties so far.
Still, there is this feeling in the back of my head that this deal was a faustian one. Time will tell. For now, end justifies the means, not something I agree upon whole hearted these days but necessity dictates the terms.
Then it was time to tell Hikari what was the deal. She had intended to remain with Veto as I mentioned but something had changed. She never liked Angels but I guess she felt the need to watch over me. She really does care for me deep inside. She wanted to come along, to help me in my endeavour. I guess she couldn't let her little brother all alone into the cold. It made me feel more confident and ...Safe. To have her by my side in all this.
That was the culmination of my decision. The realization of intent. The next day Damnation Angels was born. It was time to fly free and die hard on my terms.
Hikari was the first to join me, my co-founder.
Next, I will extend the invitation to anyone else crazy enough to Follow Me Into Madness.
Great post, Vince. Interesting look into his motives.
ReplyDelete