Weakness

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

They are right.

I had hoped to lay to rest the issue with Repentence. I had to live with the choice we both made. I told Literia, of what I did and why I did it what I did. I planned to keep it all a secret. I couldn't not of all the beautiful things she said to me, not after I had fallen in love with her. I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want to build a relationship the kind of relationship we both yearned of each other on secrets and lies. So I told her, she deserved to know. Despite my best intentions, what I did was wrong towards her.

I regret what I did, but I live with the guilt and I don't blame anyone else but me for not having the courage to die when it mattered.

It always takes two to tango. I offered her the sweet seduction, but she was the one to take it. I should have just let her end me then and there, but like I said, I carried the guilt. Turns out she couldn't handle her choices.... And her lover could not accept the fact that she chose what she chose. Instead dealing with it they blamed me, and to take revenge on me they went for Literia.

And now my child is dead.

At the time... I didn't know Literia was with child. Repentence had asked to meet her, I had a bad feeling about it all, but she wanted to go. They tried to pin the blame on me, relentlessly. Apparently according to them Repentence had done nothing wrong. I beg to differ... I didn't force her to fuck me. She made the choice even if it was a choice I offered. Still, they blamed it all on me, after all it's easier to try place blame on someone else than to face the music, admit your own mistakes and faults and accept responsibility for your actions, and which one of us wants to believe the worst of their loved ones? It's easier to live a lie and pretend than to see the truth and admit to yourself that your loved one betrayed you, for mere lust.

They pressed on, they did not even back down when Literia told them she was with child. They made her watch the whole passion play. They pressed on in their ignorant blindness... They didn't relent, they took no pity on her. To hurt me, they hurt her... As a result Literia miscarried, and now...

Our child is dead.

Accidents can happen, but... I find it hard to believe it was one. After seeing the cold hate in Morwen's eyes in Ethan's office. There was no remorse. There was no regret. Just Hate. Nothing but cold hate.

They wanted to get to me. They wanted to hurt me. Congratulations to them, they succeeded.

There is no greater loss than to lose your child, and it never stops hurting.

Every moment of everyday hurts, I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep... The nightmares come when I close my eyes. Future that never will be... The loss. The pain. It just hurts... And it never stops, but I try to be there for Literia, I try to be strong for her. Despite everything... She still wants me there by her side. I can not begin to understand why, but I am grateful she wants to be with me even though I do not deserve her.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't pray that I could change it all, so that I'd had the courage to die. My child might still alive if it were not for my weakness.

It just hurts so much. So very much.

I can't stop crying. It won't stop hurting.

I doubt it never will.

Even if it was not intended, even if it was an accident...

I can never forgive them. How can I? Because of what they did my child is dead.

Everything lies in ruins.

Because of my weakness...