Longing

I've never been good dealing with loss or rapid change. I may be fickle like fire but I still long for stability. Even the fiercest flame dies out without something steady to keep it burning.

Here I am, losing two important people in a rapid pace after so many changes.

It has left me hollow. I am spiraling out of control and I can't stop this downward spiral.

The loss of Kelsy. She chose drugs and parties over me. Fair enough, I drifted into Nicole's arms. I still feel empty.

Now the loss of a loved sister. Hikari... The emptiness inside is eating me away.

The void I have inside my heart. I try to fill it, and I have filled it with anyone willing. I have not cared who they have been, where they have come from. Just that they love me and want me more than anything for the moment.

I don't want to be alone.

I am loved, but I feel alone.

I love, but I hesitate to give in with open arms.

Love is chaos, it throws everything in disarray, it can mend the worst wounds and it can tear open a rift deep enough to swallow nations.

I am addicted to chaos.

Yeah... I maybe Love's bitch, but at least I am man enough to admit it.

What I am doing is wrong. I've already seen the ripples of my actions. Someone very dear already got hurt because she wanted to be with me. Her colleague beat her down to the ground, because she wanted to enjoy her time with me.

I can't stop myself.

I want more.

I am yearning to be loved, to be touched, to be wanted. I don't care by whom. Just that I am. Even just for the moment.

Everyone who has given me what I need has also gotten something in return, what ever they might have needed. Someone to listen to them, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it's alright, someone to encourage them, someone to say beautiful things and mean them, someone to love them - even if for a brief moment in time, even if in secrecy.

For them I've been, and to some I still am, that someone. They all smile in the end and have something that helps them carry on. That has been a convenient excuse for me to keep feeding the void.

I said to one that I once was a monster. That I am trying to be something better. I lied. I'm still a monster, just different kind. I am like a vampire, feeding off them. Trying satisfy a hunger that just won't go away. And every night there is a new victim and the Count's brides keep piling up.

I said to a friend, that I would not want to risk that complicated and much treasured friendship over a brief moment of love. It told her that because it's what she needed to hear. Because, it's what she wanted to hear. In the end, I know, if she'd ever press her lips onto mine, I could not stop myself from giving into that kiss.

Xav talked with me. He told me he was worried about me, the way I have been burning the candle at both ends, he's worried that I burn myself out. He is worried that in the end I would get hurt and that others would get hurt with me. His fears are not for naught. Someone already has and I'm most likely next in line.

I need to stop this.

I must stop this.

I just can't seem to stop myself.

I keep yearning.

I keep wanting.

I keep...

...Longing.